Puffs of Thoughts..

Here I am again! It's been so long since I had my last post. Who cares anyway? I'm actually itching to post but I can't seem to unite my conflicting, ironic, jumbled thoughts! Anyway as I said, this blog is more of an outlet for expression and not for impression although how I wish It could somehow be of use to others. Meanwhile, I'll use it to express what's taking place in my mind. Ok so, let me try to sort out the tangled threads of thoughts and feelings inside me.

a. Work Related Concerns - The company recently had an avaluation of the employee's performance. It was also the basis for the supposed salary increase. All employees have their increase. However, it paved way to more negative effects that positive ones. I don't know how high the given salary rates were but the lowest is actually, 3%. Hmmm..I really don't know if that's fair enough considering the standard and the nature of our job as compared with the standard in the IT industry. Personally, if I will be asked, the salary rates were not fair. Imagine an employee with a salary higher than his boss? Hmmm..or how about a former employee promoted to a higher position which comes along with added responsibilities and tasks but with the same compensation as that of an ordinary employee? How reliable and fair was the standard used? Did it really measure the real performance and value of an employee? Or rather, can the salary rate or the salary itself, speak for the real worth, effeciency and performance of the employee? And worst, the employee are not even given the chance to know how they come up with the rates. Is it such a highly confidential matter that we're not given a chance to know it?

There are still lots of questions in my mind but still, the increase itself is reason enough to be thankful. Still better than nothing, right? Anyway,Paulo Coelho mentioned in one of his books that every blessing ignored becomes a curse. Perhaps there is indeed truth in what he said. This increase will be more of a curse if we see it negatively. Using it as a basis to measure your worth could just lead to more negative thoughts. It's up to the person if he'll respond negatively or positively. As for me, I'll choose to respond positively. No matter how small the increase may seem, its a big thing for bread winners like me. Anyway,there is still the next evaluation. Its easier to move on top than to stay on top, right? There is still the time to make up. Yet, hope the company can truly come up with a reliable and truly fair standard and rates that would be of just benefit for all..not just among the few.

Simple but Profound..

A giant ship engine failed. The ship's owners tried
one expert after another, but none of them could
figure but how to fix the engine. Then they brought in
an old man who had been fixing ships since he was a
young.

He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he
arrived, he immediately went to work. He inspected the
engine very carefully, top to bottom.

Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this
man, hoping he would know what to do. After looking
things over, the old man reached into his bag and
pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something.
Instantly, the engine lurched into life. He carefully
put his hammer away.

The engine was fixed! A week later, the owners
received a bill from the old man for ten thousand
dollars.

"What?!" the owners exclaimed. "He hardly did
anything!" So they wrote the old man a note saying,
"Please send us an itemized bill."

CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE BREAKDOWN WAS?

The man sent a bill that read:
Tapping with a hammer. ............. . $ 2.00
Knowing where to tap..........$ 9,998.00


Effort is important, but knowing where to make an
effort in your life makes all the difference.

An Excerpt from Maria's Diary..

Once Upon a time, there was a bird. He was adorned with two perfect wings and with glossy, colorful, marvelous feathers. In short, he was a creature made to fly about freely in the sky, bringing joy to everyone who saw him.

One day, a woman saw this bird and fell in love with him. She watched his flight, her mouth wide in amazement, her heart pounding, her eyes shining with excitement. She invited the bird to fly with her, and the two traveled across the sky in perfect harmony. She admired and venerated the celebrated the bird.

But then, she thought: He might want to visit far off mountains! And she was afraid, afraid that she would never feel the same way about any other bird. And she felt envy, envy for the bird's ability to fly.

And she felt alone.

And she thought: "I'm going to set a trap. The next time the bird appears, he will never leave again."

The bird, who was also in love, returned the following day, fell into the trap and was put in a cage.

She looked at the bird every day. There he was, the object of her passion, and she showed him to her friends, who said: "Now you have everything you could possibly want." However, a strange transformation began to take place: now that she had the bird and no longer need to woo him, she began to lose interest. The bird, unable to fly and express the true meaning of his life, began to waste away and his feathers to lose their gloss: he grew ugly; and the woman no loner paid him any attention, except by feeding him and cleaning out his cage.

One day, the bird died. The woman felt terribly sad and spent all her time thinking about him. But she did not remember the cage, she thought only of the day when she had seen him for the first time, flying contentedly amongst the clouds.

If she had looked more deeply into herself, she would have realized that what had thrilled her about the bird was his freedom, the energy of his wings in motion, not his physical body.

Without the bird, her life too lost its meaning, and Death came knocking at her door. "Why have you come?" she asked Death. "So that you can fly once more with him across the sky,” Death replied. "If you had allowed him to come and go, you would have loved and admired him even more; alas, you now need me in order to find him again."

-Eleven Minutes by Paolo Coelho

Thoughts..

As I focus on how wrongfully I was treated, on the sweet promises that was broken, on the disappointments I had in spite of keeping ablaze the fire of hope, on the struggles and sacrifices I go through but was not given due recognition and importance and on the happiness he has gone through while I was miserably thinking of him; a surge of pain pulsates in my heart, making it beat faster..and faster until I am again taken back to the past, to those times. And again, I would go through pain.

However, it made me realize something. I am feeling the pain because I am focusing on it, because I am focusing on myself. It hurts because I am thinking that I was not treated the way I want to be treated. It hurts because I did not get in return what I expected to have. Indeed, the pain we feel are actually the expectations that failed, expectations that we build for ourselves. Perhaps our society shaped those expectations.

On the other hand, if I look at the situation in a bigger perspective, the pain loses its power over me. Yes I cried but alongside those moments are laughter and joys. Yes I was treated wrongly but there were also the times that I really felt loved and cared for, treated specially. There were broken promises but there were also the times that I admired him for really standing up for his promises in spite of the odds. I was disappointed but there were also the times that I was surprised with the wonders that life can offer. I struggled and sacrificed but it didn’t end up in vain. What I’ve been through made me realize that I also have the capacity to sacrifice in the name of love. In the end, it made me a wiser and stronger person. My misery while he was going through happiness can be blamed on no one but me. It was my own reaction. It was my choice. I could have been happy by myself, and personally choose to be happy even without him but I choose to go through misery. So why put the blame on him for not using my will rightly?


So as of now, if those painful thoughts recur, which I know will really happen from time to time, the best thing that I can do is to shun away from those painful moments and instead focus on the happy ones and on the discoveries and lessons I had about love, life and my existence. What I’ve been through helped me to discover who I really am. And you know what? I discovered that I am still not that capable of giving true and selfless love. I thought I was really loving, but no. Lined up before me are conditions and terms. Real love flows freely. But what is real love anyway? I actually do not know but what I’ve been through taught me one thing: It’s not easy to love. It’s so easy to say you are in love or made yourself believe that you are in love. Or even push yourself to fall in love. But mind you, it’s not as easy as you think. Meanwhile, I am nursing my wounded heart. I felt pain, but I can say it’s all worth it. I know I can get through these. If the love I felt is real, it will conquer these pains and it will survive. If not, perhaps that’s not love at all. Anyway, what is real has its own way of expressing itself.

Love moves in mysterious ways. Love always finds its own way.

Stop Worrying

Playing the role of someone we are really not can be too tiring and exhausting. The same is also true when we start to take the role of a God, of someone who wants to be in control of everything. We make ourselves the standard, expecting others to be like us or to agree and follow whatever we will. Such attitude can be one of the root causes of worry. We want everything to be in line with what we want but well, it’s a hard core reality that we can’t control everything. Yes we have a certain degree of control over what happens in our lives especially in our reaction towards some unexpected situations but we have to face up the reality that we are not God. There is a God, and you’re not him.

It is said that modern life can be summed up in three words: Hurry, Worry and Bury. It cannot be denied that almost all of us are always in a hurry, troubled up with lots of worries partly because of factors that we can’t control but we want to control, and so eventually or let’s say gradually, we speed up our days and end up in the cemetery. Instead of HWB, why don’t we change it to the 3R’s: Relax, Reflect and Renew. And also, KISS( Keep it Simple, Stupid!) Yes, at times we act so stupidly by complicating simple matters.

As for me, the very core of our worries is our doubt and lack of trust that our Father can give us what is best for us. We want to be in control of our own lives because we think that the “One Up There” is not that capable in filling up our needs and aspirations. Thus, we trod the path of pride and self righteousness, complicate matters and act as God thinking that we can have full control of our own lives but mind you, that is just a mere fantasy. The day will come and that bubble of fantasy will simply explode. Take note, we are living in reality. There is a God and you’re not Him. All I can say is, we are His creatures and He knows every corner and details of our hearts. He knows our needs, our desires and aspirations. He knows us through and through. He wants us to be happy and he intends the ultimate best for us. All we have to so is stop worrying, stop doubting, stop playing God and finally, trust Him and live simply.

Thoughts on Letting Go..

Letting go of the things that we used to hold on, as if its the most valuable possesion we have, can truly be one of the scariest and painful experiences in our life. Yet, it is only by emptying ourselves and leaving some things behind, especially if it is becoming more of a burden, can we truly open up ourselves to the wonders that life can offer. Taking a leap into the unknown and trusting in HIS great plan for us can we only discover what we are truly capable of becoming. Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.

There are times that letting go is much better instead of fighting and holding on. Just picture the trees in the storm. The trees that stand erect and tall are usually the ones that break. Some trees however allow themselves to bend and be blown over. They understand that it's not the time to resist but to let go and move with the wind.

And now is not the time for me to stand tall and firm..or else..I will break. Let go and let God.

September 7, 2007

hmm..it seems that my past posts are way too serious and dramatic..hehe..Actually that was what I felt in the past weeks and months but this time, I can say that I'm finally taking my steps towards letting go and moving on. Yes there is the pain of losing but know what? I'm doing it with deeper purpose and reason. I'll disclose it later..hehe..meantime..it feels nice to unload the burden that I have been carrying all along. And by the way..its nice to be free and do things on my own again.

Musings..

Now, everything is just a dream
Nothing but mere memories
Of a love that was once there
But was not meant to be

Falling in Love

Bo Sanchez is actually one of my favorite writers and speakers, and he's been a blessing for me. I've learned a lot from him, including those myths and thoughts that must be unlearned. And that includes the common myth that we have about love. Well yes I admit, I used to believe in those myths. Anyway, these thoughts are actually worth pondering upon. Read on..


WHEN YOU FALL IN LOVE
(Debunking The Myths That Are Driving You Crazy)
By: Bo Sanchez

This article isn’t for teenagers only.

Falling in love happens to the young and the not-so-young. (Did you see 42-year-old Tom Cruise jump up and down Oprah’s couch because of Katie?). It happens to everyone. Fat, thin, tall, short, intelligent, uneducated, holy, not so holy, dark, white, yellow, green… it doesn’t really matter. All of us fall in love. And we get stuck in myths that drive us absolutely crazy. My goal is to debunk these myths and convince you not to believe in them. Let’s begin…

MYTH 1: LOVE WILL CONQUER ALL.

Let me qualify. This is such a tricky myth. Because love, as defined by the Bible, will conquer all. But love, as defined by glazed-eyed lovers, will not. If you believe in this myth, you might do the following:You overlook major obstacles in your relationship. Everyone you know is wondering why you chose that creature from outer space as your boyfriend. Your bestfriends are telling you to get rid of him. Your family is telling you to throw him out of a running vehicle. Aling Rosa of the sari-sari store across the street is telling you to lace his drink with poison. But you won’t, because you’re in love. That’s why there are songs entitled, “You And Me Against The World.”

Your bestbuds comment, “but he’s been jobless for the past three years!” And you say, “He’s free-spirited. He feels boxed in when he’s in the office. (in other words, he’s undisciplined, lazy bum.)

Your officemates say, “He flirts with other women constantly!” and you say, “No, he’s just friendly.” (in other words, he’s a pervert).

Your cousins say, “He’s taking drugs, he’s got needle marks all over his arm.” And you say, “No, he’s into cross stitching.”

You overstay in toxic relationships, believing that your love will change him.

The wedding doesn’t transform anyone. Even if three Popes officiate the wedding. The person you’ll march with into the church will be the same person you’ll march with out of the church. He doesn’t change one bit. In fact, the marriage makes the hidden more obvious. If he was selfish before he got married, he will be even more selfish after the wedding. If he was hypercritical before he got married, he’ll even be more vile and prolific with his criticisms after the wedding. Here’s the truth: You need more than feelings of love to make a relationship work. You need mature character, total commitment and a minimum level of compatibility. Especially compatibility in the area of values and mission in life. I hear people say, “We’re compatible. Our names begin with the same letter J. My name is Julie and his name is Julio. We’re both born in July.” Wow. That’s so deep, I want to cry.

MYTH 2: WHEN IT’S TRUE LOVE, YOU WILL KNOW THE MOMENT YOU MEET THE OTHER PERSON.

I’m sure you’ve had this experience before. You are in a crowded room. You’re surrounded by boring, noisy chatter when, suddenly, this gorgeous guy enters the door. Your eyes meet. Instantly, time stands still. The universe grinds to a halt. Except for this attractive man in front of you, everything in your vision becomes a giant blur. The hubbub of the crowd becomes a soft muffle and, from out of nowhere, you hear gentle violin music from the background. One week later, he’s your boyfriend. A few weeks later, you discover that your boyfriend’s a pathological liar, buried in credit card debt, borrows money from all his girlfriends (you’re his eighth in six months). Your mind says, “Dump him!” Your heart says, “But it was love at first sight!” Here are the consequences…

You become so focused on the magical first moment, you become blind to the dark side of the relationship. Six out of seven days, you’re fighting with your boyfriend. But you can’t give him up because you met each other in such a magical moment. Your car keys fell and he picked it up, and then your eyes met, you smelled his deodorant, and you dropped your keys again… How can you not be meant for each other?

You become a love-at-first-sight junkie that you could miss out on the “real thing”. One intelligent woman told me, “Bo, there’s this guy who’s courting me. He’s okay. He’s kind, he’s responsible, he has a good job…” I could hear a ‘but’ coming ,” I said. “but there are no sparks!” she bit her lip. “No violin music playing in the background, huh! None. When I see him, the background music I hear is lululalu-lalulalulalei…” Listen. You don’t need a magical first moment to meet our potential husband. The important things are mature character, financial responsibility, ability for commitment, compatible mission and values. I actually met this girl again on her wedding, and before she marched down the aisle, she whispered to me, “Do you hear the violin music, Bo? It’s loud and clear.” It doesn’t have to be love at first sight. In fact, marriages with the least adjustments are those between friends who’ve known each other for years before they realize that they’re good marriage material. What is love at first sight? Many times, it’s lust at first sight. Or infatuation at first sight. Don’t give it too much weight. Here’s the truth: it takes a moment to experience infatuation but true love takes a lifetime.

MYTH 3: IF IT IS TRUE LOVE, YOU WILL FEEL THIS WAY FOR EACH OTHER FOREVER.

No, you won’t. Here are the consequences for believing this myth :

You panic when the feelings wane, and wonder whether the marriage is over and whether you really loved one another in the first place. Imagine the night of your honeymoon. Your new bride is sleeping. The cotton curtains are gently swaying in the cool breeze. You gaze at her lovely face. You study her soft cheeks. Her long eyelashes, her beautiful nose, her parted red lips. And all of a sudden, she snores.”Ngggggggooork!!” How do you react? Because it’s your honeymoon, you say, “How cute!” Six months down the road, the same scene transpires. Your wife is sleeping. And the same cotton curtains are gently swaying in the cool breeze. And you hear her snore.”Ngggggoork!” What do you say? “Ssssssheeeesh, Honey! You sound like a boat!” What has happened? The feelings have gone. Let me say this: That’s normal. It happens to everyone. But it doesn’t mean your love is gone so don’t panic! You can make a decision to love the snoring boat.

You start blaming your partner for the loss of love. This is nutty. But many people do it: when we don’t feel in love, we think it’s the faultof the other person. And so we fight him. Again, we fall out of love because we’re human beings. It’s nobody’s fault. The moment you fall out of love, the real work begins . Let me explain. This is the most important point I’m going to make. (I got this from Scott Peck in his bestseller book, The Road Less Traveled).

Falling in love isn’t love. Here’s why. When you fall in love…

No decision is required. Falling in love just happens.

No effort is required. Falling in love is like…. well, falling.

No hard work is required. Falling in love is being bitten by the love bug.

On the other hand, true love requires all three : Decision, effort and lots of hard work. In the Bible, love is a command. You make it happen. Sure true love can only happen after you’ve fallen out of love. When you begin choosing to love, even if you don’t feel like doing it — that’s true love. And that’s the foundation of a lasting marriage.

MYTH 4: YOUR PARTNER WILL FULFILL YOU COMPLETELY.

Again because falling in love satisfied you completely, you want the same satisfaction to last. No it won’t. Consequence? You might fail to recognize a good relationship because your partner isn’t fulfilling the needs you should be fulfilling yourself. Here’s the truth: the right partner will fulfill many of your needs but not all of them. There are just some things your husband can’t give you: Your self-worth. Your spirituality. Your inner happiness. These are things you have to work on your own. I’ve met lots of people who think they’re dissatisfied with their marriage. In reality, they’re dissatisfied with themselves. I’ve met lots of people who think they’re bored with their marriages. And they complain to the high heavens how boring their husband or wife is, when in truth, they’re really bored with life. Meet your own needs. Find your happiness in God. Find your niche, your calling, your destiny. And then share your joy with your spouse.

MYTH 5: IF IT’S TRUE LOVE, YOU WON’T BE ATTRACTED TO ANYONE ELSE.

If you believe in this myth, you panic when you get attracted to someone else, questioning the authenticity of your love for your spouse. One man told me, “Bo, I love my wife. Or I thought I did. But then I met this woman at work. She has nice make-up. She smells nice. She wears a pencil-cut skirt. When I go home, my wife is wearing a drab rag. Her hair is undone. She smells of vinegar. Gosh I am attracted to this girl atwork.” Being attracted to someone is normal, even if you have a happy marriage. But being attracted doesn’t mean falling into adultery. Every time you think of the other woman, discipline your heart and say, “Home, boy… home!” and escort your heart back to your wife. Because if you feed your attraction with fantasies and constantly think about the other woman, it grows . But if you starve your attraction, it dies a natural death.

Once There Were Sand Castles..

The memories we share with the people we love are like building sand castles. We take effort in building it. We laugh together, filling up our hands with sand, carefully curving the castles with our very own hands. Yes we find pleasure in building it although we are aware that it can be easily destroyed in just one splash of the water or in a single blow of the wind. We see it right before our very eyes. The sand castle we built in fun and pleasure, standing proudly amidst the waves and wind. Yet, in just a blink of an eye, that sandcastles can crumble, carried away by the waves, dilute it, until nothing remains.

Yet we know that once there is a sandcastle in that spot. We see it destroyed and we can't do anything to keep it intact or stop the waves and wind from tearing it down. Yes perhaps we can, but for how long? As said, it came from dust and to dust it will return.

In the same way, the moments we share with others and with our loved ones are like those castles. We shared happy moments together, we laughed and had fun. We had moments of tears and pain to the point that we wanna give up building moments together. The same is true to the winds and waves that may discourage us to go on and build sand castles. At times we simply want to let the sand slip through our grasp. But still, the feeling of anticipation, pleasure and simply the joy of being with each other give us the push to be together although we also know, and we are aware that the moments we build in sweat and blood can end up as mere memories, like the castles destroyed by waves and wind. We saw the moments crumble right before our very eyes and we can do nothing about it. In the end, it all stumbles into pieces. It is gone until nothing remains, but we know that there were the moments, moments that we can only see through our mind's eye.

Once there were castles of sand.
Once there were memories.
It's gone but we know that once..it's there..right before our very eyes...

I Will Get Through...

Two months, that seemed to be so long, have passed since we had our last sincere talk. I thought it would not be that hard for me. I did and gave what I can. Our situation taught me to treat every moment as if it’s the last. I learned to maximize our time together, said the words I want him to hear, did the acts that would express what my heart really felt and loved in the way I know, in every way I can. I thought that would be reason enough for me not to cry. I used to believe tears are expressions of words left unspoken, of actions left undone, of regrets, of what if's and could have been's that we failed to do. But on my part, I did what I can so I thought it would not be that painful. I tried to put my feelings on hold and decided to deal with it later, hoping that it will just sink down into my consciousness.

But here I am now. The feelings and thoughts that I tried to numb indeed sink into my consciousness, not to be totally lost but to draw more power. And now it’s resurfacing, and I’m having this pulsating pain deep down. I did cry for the past days but it seems that the real impact is just starting now. Anyway, those are just but mere moments. Those are part of my past though yes, it can still be part of my tomorrow but this is my now. I am here now, in my present. I shall walk forward. I will run no matter how far. .

I don’t wanna go back to that painful past. Though there is something in me that wants to hold on and the other side wants to let go and move on. I can’t really grasp what did happened but all I know is, something went wrong. Deep inside, I really want him back. It’s just that I feel like I’m not yet ready for another blow of pain. I will be entering the same situation; will be with the same person. We need to change and grow, and growth takes time. I know I’m not yet that strong to resist his pleadings to come back and start anew. I know I’m not that strong to look him directly in the eye and tell him the love I once felt is gone. That is why I don’t want our paths to cross, or even our eyes to meet. I’d better suffer on my own, in silence. Yes, I’m not that strong as of now, but I believe there is always the light at the end of the tunnel no matter how long the tunnel may be. In the end, I know I’ll get over this pain, stronger and wiser. Yes, I may fall, stumble and cry from time to time, but I will rise up, walk and move. (Even with swollen eyes and slightly bulging eyebags..) No matter what, I will get through this…

August 14, 2007

I used to believe that we can allow anyone to be part of our life. Yes, each of us have the oppurtunity to be part of other's life and make a difference. No matter what, we will always leave our footprints behind. Yet, we must be careful to whom we open up ourselves especially our hearts, to who should enter our lives because we may not know, that person may leave scars and wounds..that even time can't heal..

Money Matters

As the budget planner for my family, one thing I learned is the need to be financially wise. Our family has been blessed and we really have to learn how to properly handle those blessings especially on the financial aspect. As of now, I am working my way acquiring knowledge financially and hopefully, one day I can say that I properly made used of and applied those knowledge and eventually work my way to be financially wise. I actually do not believe that money is the root of all evil. Basically and by nature, money is good. Admit it or not, we need money to survive. However, it is the greed for money that serves as the root of evil. Personally, I want to have more so I can also share more. That's actually my goal why I wanna grow financially; to have more so I can share more.

I found this article in the business section of inq7.net. The information is basic but at least it gave me a lead for my quest.

1. Time deposit. You can lock your money in a time deposit for 30, 60, 120 or more days. You may earn interest from two to five percent. Check with your bank.

2. Unit investment trust fund (UITF). This is a fund managed by the trust department of a bank. Money is pooled from several small investors, and the fund manager invests this fund in equities, bonds, or money market instruments. You may potentially earn more than what you could earn in a time deposit, but there is also a risk attached due to the nature of the investments the fund engages in. Depending on the fund manager, initial investments from investors can go as low as P10,000.

3. Mutual fund. This fund is managed by an investment management company. You may potentially earn more than in a time deposit, but be aware of risks involved. Minimum investment can be as low as P5,000.

4. Stocks or equities. If you are more adventurous and like challenges, you may want to directly invest in the stock market. Some stockbrokers accept small retail clients and investments can be made by buying the minimum board lot (number of stocks considered as minimum investment) of a specific company stock. You may earn more than what you could in a mutual fund or UITF, but the risks are higher. Stock prices fluctuate every day.

5. Bonds. These IOUs from companies have a lower risk than stocks, but higher risk than bank deposits. The key is to pick good bonds that are rated high by rating agencies. Interest is fixed over a number of years.

All the above options can make your emergency fund grow. Just be aware of risks involved in higher-yielding instruments. But if you keep your emergency fund untouched for a long time in riskier investments, you will ride out fluctuations and may be able to earn higher returns.

We wish you the best as you prepare financially for your future.

August 11, 2007

My gracious..what's happening to me??!! I can't seem to concentrate on what I should do! Its true, so many things to do so little done! Aaaarggh! It is said that life is like juggling balls while you are walking. You must keep it in balance or else, one of the balls, or even all of the balls will eventually fall. Its really difficult to juggle my responsibilities especially when it comes to my family. Aside from being the ate de pamilya, there is also the responsibility as the budget planner, menu planner, bread winner, cook, sister, confidante, teacher..and a lot more! But of course, there is always the delight of being there for my family though at times..whew..its really hard. Yet, it's up to me how I'll handle and balance those. All it takes is practice, practice and practice! Who knows, this might be a preparation for me for a bigger and more complicated tasks..like..ummm..handling a bigger family? Hehe..not yet..and not now.

Anyway..back to work..later..

It's a new day!

Another day. Another chance to take a step towards my vision and goals. Well yes I have my mission, vision and goals, sothing that I can have my focus on, but as of now it haven't taken its form in words because it's still in my mind. I'll be jotting it down, soon.

Reclaiming My Old Blog Acccount..

Yipee! At last I now have my own blog after a lllllooooooonnnngggg time of planning and thinking over how to do it, when to do it or how long it will take to do it! I actually have this previous account but I wasn't able to update or use it because I felt like it will just eat up my time. Good thing I was able to reclaim this old blog of mine and well..its not as hard and slow as I thought it would be. But anyway, I have it now and it's actually included in my "To Do' list so this is actually an accomplishment for me! hehe..

I have and I always keep a journal of my own eversince I discovered that I also have the capacity to write( I dreamed of writing a book when I was young but I always got low grades in my theme writing compositions so I decided to be a theater or TV performer instead, an announcer, a reporter, a doctor, a teacher, a restaurant owner and don't be shocked, a nun..hehe). It all started from that embarassing moment in High School and I have no one to talk to. There was this ice breaker game I joined in but unfortunately or perhaps fortunately, I became a laughingstock of the whole class. (It's not that easy to make people laugh that hard anyway.) I even felt my blood pumped up in my face as if my head would just be blown off. Oh boy..how I wished I''d just dissapear or the floor Im standing in would just open up and eat me.

Oh well, I've talked with my friends, whom I expected to give me comfort, but they in turn laughed at me, right in front of my face! So instead, I got a piece of unused notebook and started writing down what I really felt. Right after, there was a surge of relief. And as I read what I wrote, I also started to laugh..well yes I admit..it will really make your tummy ache. What was that embarassing moment? I'll share it someday..hehe..I actually have a collection of several embarassing moments and that included falling in a man hole.hehe..

From then on after that moment of release, I make use of writing to pour out my thoughts and feelings. It started with mere writing of what happened, of what I felt until it became deeper and deeper. My journal became my constant buddy,my bestfriend. I can write whatever I am, whatever I like, whatever I feel ,or whatever crossed my mind without the fear of being judged criticized or ostracized. There is a distinct surge of freedom as I jot down what's in my mind, in my heart and in my soul. I haven't opened up to anyone, barenaked ( and that includes physical nakedness..hehe), the way I did in my journals.

Recently however, I can't seem to write down in my journal as constantly as I did before. There are random thoughts that I wanna jot down but busy ( o busy busyhan..hehe..) as I am,those thoughts just slip out of my consciousness.

And the moment I wanna express it in written words, oh I can't seem to find it. . But the moment I grasp it and express it in written words, most of the time I become amazed of what I was able to wrote down. At times Im not even aware that those thoughts are in my mind. Perhaps that's what they say: the product is greater than its maker. I guess anyone or someone have been through the same experience. That sort of thing when you just write down what's in your mind and the moment you read it, "woah, I never thought I have these ideas in mind or that I'm capable expressing these ideas in words!'

 Anyway, this blog is another medium for me to grasp, take hold of these thoughts, and feelings as well, and let it take its form in words. It is said that the feelings we have, which we may not give much attention or we may even try to deny or ignore , are actually signals of our hearts or of a deeper need that must be satisfied. It's like, you're happy, everything's going fine but out of nowhere, you felt a surge of sadness, as if you just wanna stay in one corner and cry! That could be a sign of an emptiness deep inside you that must be filled up with something or someone eventhough you may think you have all the things that you need.

As for me, those emotions or thoughts must be given a chance to express itself, even in simple words, or else it might find its way out in other forms. Most of the time, pent up emotions manifest itself in the form of illnesses, violent reactions, uncontrolled behavior, addiction and various psychological problems.

And these emotions and thoughts are for me, and for you, the so called Inner Whispers: the voices that we usually hear in solitude, but they grow faint and inaudible as we enter into the world, the modern world that can give us a barrage of messages, that can drown it out and we'll hear nothing..nothing of it.