Thoughts..

As I focus on how wrongfully I was treated, on the sweet promises that was broken, on the disappointments I had in spite of keeping ablaze the fire of hope, on the struggles and sacrifices I go through but was not given due recognition and importance and on the happiness he has gone through while I was miserably thinking of him; a surge of pain pulsates in my heart, making it beat faster..and faster until I am again taken back to the past, to those times. And again, I would go through pain.

However, it made me realize something. I am feeling the pain because I am focusing on it, because I am focusing on myself. It hurts because I am thinking that I was not treated the way I want to be treated. It hurts because I did not get in return what I expected to have. Indeed, the pain we feel are actually the expectations that failed, expectations that we build for ourselves. Perhaps our society shaped those expectations.

On the other hand, if I look at the situation in a bigger perspective, the pain loses its power over me. Yes I cried but alongside those moments are laughter and joys. Yes I was treated wrongly but there were also the times that I really felt loved and cared for, treated specially. There were broken promises but there were also the times that I admired him for really standing up for his promises in spite of the odds. I was disappointed but there were also the times that I was surprised with the wonders that life can offer. I struggled and sacrificed but it didn’t end up in vain. What I’ve been through made me realize that I also have the capacity to sacrifice in the name of love. In the end, it made me a wiser and stronger person. My misery while he was going through happiness can be blamed on no one but me. It was my own reaction. It was my choice. I could have been happy by myself, and personally choose to be happy even without him but I choose to go through misery. So why put the blame on him for not using my will rightly?


So as of now, if those painful thoughts recur, which I know will really happen from time to time, the best thing that I can do is to shun away from those painful moments and instead focus on the happy ones and on the discoveries and lessons I had about love, life and my existence. What I’ve been through helped me to discover who I really am. And you know what? I discovered that I am still not that capable of giving true and selfless love. I thought I was really loving, but no. Lined up before me are conditions and terms. Real love flows freely. But what is real love anyway? I actually do not know but what I’ve been through taught me one thing: It’s not easy to love. It’s so easy to say you are in love or made yourself believe that you are in love. Or even push yourself to fall in love. But mind you, it’s not as easy as you think. Meanwhile, I am nursing my wounded heart. I felt pain, but I can say it’s all worth it. I know I can get through these. If the love I felt is real, it will conquer these pains and it will survive. If not, perhaps that’s not love at all. Anyway, what is real has its own way of expressing itself.

Love moves in mysterious ways. Love always finds its own way.