I Will Get Through...

Two months, that seemed to be so long, have passed since we had our last sincere talk. I thought it would not be that hard for me. I did and gave what I can. Our situation taught me to treat every moment as if it’s the last. I learned to maximize our time together, said the words I want him to hear, did the acts that would express what my heart really felt and loved in the way I know, in every way I can. I thought that would be reason enough for me not to cry. I used to believe tears are expressions of words left unspoken, of actions left undone, of regrets, of what if's and could have been's that we failed to do. But on my part, I did what I can so I thought it would not be that painful. I tried to put my feelings on hold and decided to deal with it later, hoping that it will just sink down into my consciousness.

But here I am now. The feelings and thoughts that I tried to numb indeed sink into my consciousness, not to be totally lost but to draw more power. And now it’s resurfacing, and I’m having this pulsating pain deep down. I did cry for the past days but it seems that the real impact is just starting now. Anyway, those are just but mere moments. Those are part of my past though yes, it can still be part of my tomorrow but this is my now. I am here now, in my present. I shall walk forward. I will run no matter how far. .

I don’t wanna go back to that painful past. Though there is something in me that wants to hold on and the other side wants to let go and move on. I can’t really grasp what did happened but all I know is, something went wrong. Deep inside, I really want him back. It’s just that I feel like I’m not yet ready for another blow of pain. I will be entering the same situation; will be with the same person. We need to change and grow, and growth takes time. I know I’m not yet that strong to resist his pleadings to come back and start anew. I know I’m not that strong to look him directly in the eye and tell him the love I once felt is gone. That is why I don’t want our paths to cross, or even our eyes to meet. I’d better suffer on my own, in silence. Yes, I’m not that strong as of now, but I believe there is always the light at the end of the tunnel no matter how long the tunnel may be. In the end, I know I’ll get over this pain, stronger and wiser. Yes, I may fall, stumble and cry from time to time, but I will rise up, walk and move. (Even with swollen eyes and slightly bulging eyebags..) No matter what, I will get through this…