Inner Whispers

Here again!

2011-09-15T02:12:00.000-07:00

so nice to be here again!

Miracle Testimonies from World Youth Day

2011-02-21T22:38:00.000-08:00

Are You Called to Go to World Youth Day?
By Mike Gibson

Do you think you are called to go to World Youth Day? Have you considered it? Do you automatically come up with a “no” using your rational mind? Do you come up with many excuses? Do you give God a chance to answer the question? Do the obstacles seem to be too much? Have you given God a chance to work miracles in this regard? Did he not multiply the five loaves and the two fish (and have an abundance left over)? Did he not calm the sea in an instant? Did he not continually work miracles in people’s lives when they believed? Do you think he can work miracles in your life today?

So, where are you? Maybe these are challenging questions. Maybe money is a big issue for you in this difficult economy. Maybe it is hard to see that our God is a God of abundance. Maybe you haven’t seen many miracles in your life. Maybe you believe Jesus did perform miracles back then, but it is hard to believe he can work miracles for you in this particular area. Maybe you are like the man in the bible that says he believes, but asks the Lord to help him in his unbelief.

I am writing this as a testimony that God does work miracles in people’s lives. I can testify that he did one for me concerning my decision to attend WYD in 2005. You can call the process a miracle, maybe many miracles, or perhaps “grace”, but the idea is that He was doing something wonderful for me in that decision-making process and onward.

The journey began when I received good advice from a Sister. She said to pray and ask God if he is calling you to go to WYD. I was unemployed at the time. At first the idea sounded ridiculous, but I did pray about the possibility. Different things in my prayer life and ordinary life seem to keep encouraging me onward, so I took it one step at a time. This sister told me to just act as if you are going. God will either provide the means and open doors, or various doors of opportunity will close for you. I took her advice and was amazingly surprised at how the journey unfolded before my eyes.

I began taking important steps along the way. I helped at some fundraisers, realizing that my work would either help me or others go. I continued praying and entered into the spiritual journey with others who were considering the trip. Each step along the way became ever more amazing. As time went on in this process, a job opportunity opened up, and I accepted. Because of the timing, I felt this was another encouragement from God and his way of helping me to provide for the trip. As many more doors opened ahead of me, my gratitude deepened, and I became ever more convinced that God does work miracles in our lives both big and small.

I can testify to many of the simple and larger miracles before and after the trip, but there is too little space here. Whether you call it a miracle or grace, I did get an overwhelming sense of how much God loved me.

I simply want to convey to any one reading this that He also loves you in a deeply personal way. I also want to encourage you to pray and discern if God is calling you to attend the upcoming WYD in Madrid. If you get any kind of positive sense that God may be calling you, follow that calling one step at a time. Whether the steps are easy or more difficult for you, just know that the adventure with Jesus during the process will be priceless and eternal.

World Youth Day 2011!!!

2011-02-21T22:29:00.000-08:00

To be in Madrid Spain this August 2011 for the World Youth Day - this is my greatest goal, so far, for 2011.

It seems impossible since it entails big, and yes it's really big money. Moreover, I know that with God there is nothing impossible. So, in the midst of doubts and fears, here I am,with my heart really desiring and hoping for it - to be in Madrid Spain this August 2011 for the World Youth Day!

nice to be here!!!

2010-06-22T04:30:00.000-07:00

just dropping by..migosh..its been soooooo long since my last post..nwy am still alive..will be back..soooon!!

Generosity is all about Sharing with Love

2009-07-23T05:39:00.000-07:00

This post is worth sharing. It's from one of my favorite authors, Bo Sanchez. He may be known as someone " spiritual" or "holy" which is oftentimes attributed to being "corny." But well, guess that's just how the world's standards are. On the contrary, he's more of practical spirituality, that is, showing God in simple and practical ways. And I'm proud to say that he's one of my constant inspirations. And yes, he has always been an instrument of God's love and presence. So here's one of this truly inspiring articles. And it's truly, really worth reading. Read on....

Have You Received The Rewards Of Your Giving?

Yesterday, I spent the afternoon playing with my boys.

We drew spaceships, airplanes, and roller coasters. We played a video game. (Can you imagine me, a 43-year old guy, playing with his 4-year old kid, Mariocart? I’m nuts.) And finally, I brought Francis to the barbershop. We didn’t have a car yesterday, so we rode the tricycle together. Francis loved it so much. Every time we passed over a hump, he raised his arms and said, “Wheee!”

When we were in the barbershop, Francis had so much fun getting his haircut, making faces on the mirror, twirling on the barber’s chair, laughing and singing the entire time. He was so happy.

But guess who was happier? The Daddy, of course.

Yesterday, I was generous with my time with the kids. Despite a mountain of work that I had to do (including this article), I put it all aside and spent time with the boys.

Instantly, I receive the reward of my generosity. Just listening to the happy laughter of my kids was music to my soul. It made me feel wonderful. It removed my stress, made me healthier, and refreshed my spirit.

Friends, there is an absolute law written in the fabric of universe. It states, “When you give, you will receive a reward.” Always. No exceptions. Oh yes, there can be delays. Sometimes you’ll have to wait for a long time. But the reward will always come.

And the Bible also says that we will receive more than what we give. Example: In the years to come, I know I’ll receive an even greater reward for spending time with my kids yesterday. Because they’ll grow up to be men secure in their father’s love.

It doesn’t end there. In Heaven, I’ll receive even greater rewards. (More on this next week.)

Let me explain why you get rewards.

Too Full To Receive Anything Better

In my talk yesterday, I showed people a big fishbowl filled with grey stones. It was overflowing with them. I then showed some gold nuggets. (Okay, they really weren’t gold nuggets. They were stones covered with gold paper, but don’t spoil my illustration. Imagine them to be really gold nuggets!)

Even if I wanted to put gold nuggets in the bowl, I couldn’t, because it was already filled with stones.

This is a perfect picture of a selfish person.

God is a generous God. He wants to give us better things. But He can’t do that if there’s no space to receive new and better things in our lives.

I then removed one stone from the bowl. I explained to the audience that the first reward of giving is “space”. And space is beautiful. Space means we can grow.

I placed one gold nugget in the bowl, and explained, “Some people give only a little and so receive only a little. But there are people who give more,” I explained, removing more grey stones from the bowl, “and thus create more space for God’s new blessings.” I quickly filled the bowl with more gold nuggets.

Remember, when we don’t receive much, the problem is not in the Giver. The problem is in the Receiver. The Lord wants to give more to our lives (that’s His default posture), but the Receiver has not created enough space to receive more.

And friends, the universe abhors space. The universe will fill up that space with better things.

But what if you don’t get your rewards?

Real Generosity

One person asked me, “But Bo, I’ve been giving and giving and giving all my life—but I haven’t been receiving my rewards!”

Perhaps because it may not be generosity at all.

You see, there are two types of giving that happens in the world.

1. When we give because we love

2. When we give because we want to be loved

Look. There’s nothing wrong if you want to be loved. It’s your most basic need. But friends, never use generosity as a way of getting love. That’s toxic. You call that co-dependent love and it’s lethal. Pleasing people so that they will love you is slow suicide.

If your “Love Tank” is empty, you need to do two things. First, ask God to love you. And second, love yourself. Unless you learn to be generous to yourself, your generosity will not be real.

My friend Mila (not her real name) was such a woman. She always gave gifts to her friends. Food. Clothes. Flowers. Sometimes, expensive stuff like cellphones and Ipods. People would tell her, “Oh, you’re so generous.” But deep within, I know Mila is one of the most miserable people on earth. She’s constantly depressed. Because she has no true friends. Her friends are there simply because she gives them stuff. People abuse her constantly, asking things from her.

Mila isn’t receiving the rewards of her generosity because she’s not really generous. She is needy.

When you give out of need, you will become even more needy. But if you give out of love, you will receive more love.

Remember the bowl with grey stones? Mila gives away her white stones—creating space in her heart. But because she’s giving out of need and fear and not out of love, misery and bitterness fill up that space she created.

I repeat: Real generosity is giving out of love, which fills our lives with more love.

And let me share with you the biggest reward of generosity.

The Greatest Reward Of Giving

My friend and fellow preacher Arun Gogna just came from Japan. He met a Filipina there who told him a wonderful story.

Years ago, this Filipina married a Japanese man. Her husband was earning very well and asked her to manage his money. So every payday, he gave all of his money to her.

This Filipina loved God and wanted to follow Him in the area of giving. So she gave 10% of her husband’s earnings to the Lord. When the husband—who was an atheist—found out about it, he asked her, “What are you doing with 10% of my salary?” She said, “I give it to my God.” The amazing thing was that he didn’t object at all. He let her be. So she continued to do it every single month.

Here’s the great news: A few years later, this man converted and is now a baptized Catholic. Today, with his wife, he serves in a ministry in a Church in Japan.

What’s so beautiful about this story? Even before he got baptized, he was already generous to a God whom he didn’t fully know.

My point?

Generosity brings you closer to God.

Let me tell you why.

Your Heart Follows Your Treasure

Last year, I bought stocks in Ayala Land.

I noticed that whenever I read the newspaper, I would be very interested to read anything about Ayala Land. I would read their Ads. I would ask people in the industry about what’s happening to this company.

Before I bought stocks in this company, I didn’t give a hoot. I didn’t care. I didn’t read their articles or their ads.

Why the change? Simple: The Bible says that my heart follows my treasure.[1] Wherever my treasure goes, my heart will go there too.

When your money goes to God, your heart goes to Him as well. Yes, even if He really doesn’t need your money.

Tithing Is A Declaration Of

God’s Importance In Your Life

God doesn’t need your money.

But why is it that the Bible says over and over again, “Give the first fruits of your harvest to God”?[2] Yes, God doesn’t need your money, but God wants what your money represents. Money represents value. What do you value the most? When you make God your first expense, you’re saying that God is first in your life.

Tithing is a declaration that all things—including your life—belong to God. The Biblical standard of 10% is a fantastic guideline to follow. When you give 10%, you’re saying that 100% belongs to God. Tithing is your declaration of God’s ownership over your life. God gave all that you own. When you die, you’ll give it all back. So all you have is lent to you. You’re a steward of His assets. As stewards, you use material blessings for His purposes. That’s what you declare when you tithe.

Friends, I invite you to give because you love.

And receive the fantastic rewards of generosity.

May your dreams come true,

Bo Sanchez

Questions that sustain your leadership

2009-07-21T08:28:00.000-07:00

Got this from Inq7.net. I'm quite busy as of now so I'll just post it here at this moment. Will just be reading it later.

“JUDGE A person by their questions, rather than their answers.” – Voltaire

The willingness to ask questions coupled with the discipline to seek out answers separates leaders from followers. Influencers question assumptions, inquire about the environment around them and probe into the future. They have an insatiable appetite to learn and they convert their knowledge to action at light speed.

Value of questions

While leaders constantly investigate their surroundings, the most important questions they ask are the ones they pose to themselves. By routinely questioning their goals, motives and purpose, leaders renew their self-identity along with their sense of perspective. Consider the following benefits of examining yourself as a leader.

1) Quality questions create a quality life.

You only get answers to the questions you ask. If you won’t dare to wrestle with the tough dilemmas in life, then you’ll live small.

2) Focused questions stimulates creative thinking.

A well-considered question penetrates to the heart of the matter and triggers new ideas and insights.

3) Honest questions lead to solid convictions.

Inquisitiveness clarifies morals and beliefs. Values are shaped when you force yourself to be truthful in answering tough questions about where you stand on key issues.

4) Correct questions help us find ourselves and our mission.

Tackling life’s biggest questions brings direction and meaning to life’s journey. Bob Buford captures this thought in his book, The Second Half.

What is your passion? What have you achieved? What have you done uncommonly well? How are you wired? Where do you belong? What are the ‘shoulds’ that have trailed you during the first half? These and other questions like them will direct you toward the self your heart longs for; they will help you discover the task for which you were especially made. Throughout your years in leadership, if you know the right questions then you will ultimately gain the right answers.

Questions I ask myself as a leader:

1) Am I investing in myself?

This question probes your commitment to personal growth. An empty glass won’t refresh anyone. Before you can influence others, you need to contain something worth offering to others.

Don’t be content to stockpile knowledge. Once you’ve ascertained a new insight or developed a skill, pass on what you’ve discovered. A learner builds reservoir of learning, whereas a leader becomes a river of learning for others.

2) Am I genuinely interested in others?

This question delves into motives. As J.P. Morgan cynically observed, “A man always has two reasons for doing anything – a good reason and the real reason.” Since leaders are inclined to figure out situations before anyone else, they have capacity to take advantage of others.

For this reason, it’s essential to regularly question your motives. There’s a fine line between manipulation and motivation. The former moves people for personal benefit, while the latter moves people for mutual gain.

3) Am I doing what I love and loving what I do?

This question determines passion. You will never find your passion doing work you despise. If you go to work only to fulfill processes and functions then you’re in jeopardy of losing your humanity and turning into a machine.

“Find your passion and follow it,” is all the career advice you’ll ever need. Passion gives you the edge by endowing you with more energy than others have.

4) Am I taking others to a higher level?

This question has to do with mission. Regardless of your industry, as a leader, you’re in the people development business. Fulfilling your mission depends upon lifting the performance of those you lead.

As Zig Ziglar says, “You can get everything in life that you want if you will just help enough other people get what they want.” By adding value to those you lead, you’re investing in men and women with the potential to multiply your influence exponentially.

5) Am I taking care of today?

How you treat today speaks volumes about your likelihood of success.

In fact, if I spent one day observing your priorities, behaviors, and interactions with people, then, with about 90 percent accuracy, I could let you know your leadership potential. Why would I be so certain in my judgment? Because I’ve learned that the secret of your success is determined by your daily agenda.

Conclusion

The great artist, Pablo Picasso, once remarked, “Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.”

I tend to agree, and I think Picasso’s observation carries truth for leaders as well. Regardless of your technical skill or relational charm, you’ll be inhibited as a leader until you learn the art of asking questions. Knowing how has merit, but influencers will always be the men and women who understand why.

Joke, joke, joke!!

2009-07-15T19:11:00.000-07:00

I was hilariously laughing with these jokes..its a blessing becoz it helped me to start my day with a good laugh. So I thought of sharing it. Here it goes..

DO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS ?

1. Use BE COOL and I'LL BUY in a sentence.
...The tourist went to Mayon volcano in I'LL BUY, BE COOL.
2. Use SCHOOLING in a sentence.
...(phone rings).....Hello? Who SCHOOLING?
3. Use AFFECT in a sentence.
...Maria is wearing AFFECT diamond ring.
4. Use ADIEU in a sentence.
...If you are ADIEU, the Arabs will kill you.
5. Use DECANTER in a sentence.
...You can order that medicine over DECANTER.
6. Use DELETION in a sentence.
...The balat of DELETION is crispy.
7. Use DESPISE in a sentence.
...Who baked all DESPISE?
8. Use DIFFERENT and DIFFERENTIAL in a sentence.
...I am looking for DIFFERENT of this boy to get DIFFERENTIAL
consent so he can go to the picnic.

AND NOW FOR THE FILIPINOS WHO CAN READ AND
UNDERSTAND TAGALOG:

9. Use BORROW in a sentence.
...Ang dumi naman ng BORROW mo.
10. Use CAESAREAN in a sentence.
...Lintek, anak, mag-ingat ka, CAESAREAN mo iyang laruan mo.
11. Use CONTEMPLATE in a sentence.
...Pare, ang dami-daming pagkain, pero, ko-CONTEMPLATE.
12. Use ARTESIA in a sentence (if you don't know what this is, it's a
city [or street] at the L.A. COUNTY in CALIFORNIA)
...Nako naman, ang ganda-ganda nang bebot na yun, pero,
ma-ARTESIA.
13. Use CADET in a sentence.
...CADET ko si Maria nung isang gabi. Ngayon, ikaw naman ang
CADET niya.
14. Use CARDIAC in a sentence.
...Na CARDIAC yung kotse ni Pedro noong isang gabi.
15. Use CENTURION in a sentence.
...Na-CENTURION si Pedro ng tatay niya dahil sa kalokohan niya.
16. Use DEDICATE in a sentence.
...Pag ginamitan ng glue, siguradong DEDICATE iyan.
17. Use DELICACY in a sentence.
...Bagal mo... DELICACY mahuhuli na tayo.
18. Use DEPRECIATE in a sentence.
...Sister, DEPRECIATE already, kaya pwede na tayong kumain.
19. Use DIFFUSION in a sentence.
...Brownout...siguradong DIFFUSION pumutok.
20. Use LAITY in a sentence.
...Taga "laity" si Imelda Marcos.
21. Use MENTION in a sentence.
...Ang laki ng bahay nila, parang MENTION.
22. Use ebonic word MOTHA' FUCKA' in a sentece.
...Iho mag-ingat, ka baka MOTHA' FUCKA'

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST:

23. Use SECOND THOUGHT in a sentence.
...Hindi pa bumibili ng bagong kotse ang mag-asawang si Pedro
at Maria dahil magse-SECOND THOUGHT pa daw sila.

TEACHER

There was this Filipino kindergarten teacher and she was teaching
her class how to do the hokey-pokey. She started off by saying,
"You put your right feet in, you put your right feet out, you put
your right feet in...." Suddenly one of the children said, "Teacher
you have to say 'foot.'" So the teacher said, "You 'foot' your right
feet in, you 'foot' your right feet out....."

WITH AN 'R'

First day ng klase.
Siyempre, magpapakilala muna si titser.
mukhang strikto, terror ala Miss Tapia.
Sinulat niya ang pangalan niya sa blackboard.
'Miss Pruke.'
Pigil ang hagikgik ng mga estudyante.
baka mapagalitan sila.
"My name is Miss Pruke. Don't forget.
With an R, with an R, with an R." stress ni
titser. "Bukas bago magsimula ang klase,
kapag meron akong tinawag, dapat alam niyong
banggitin ang pangalan ko ng tama."
Paglabas ng mga estudyante ng klassroom,
Inulit-ulit nila sa kanilang isip, "with an R,
with an R, with an R."
Kinabukasan, preparado ang lahat sa pagtawag
ng titser maliban kay Juan. Wala namang
ginagawa si Juan sa klase kundi mag-daydream.
kaya siya ang napansin ng titser. "Juan!"
Sigaw ni titser. gulat na tumayo si Juan.
"Yes ma'am?"
"Ano ang pangalan ko?"
Namamawis sa kaba si Juan. nakalimutan niya
ang pangalan ng titser.
Sabay sabay ang buong klase sa pagbigay sa
kanya ng clue. "With an R, with an R, with an R"
"Ah!" biglang naisip ni Juan, "Natatandaan ko na
ang pangalan niyo."
"Ano?" tanong ni titser.
"Miss Prekprek."

More to come!!

2009-07-06T20:00:00.000-07:00

A Glimpse of the Past

I've been a web writer right after I graduated. To be honest, I find it both boring and challenging at the same time. It's challenging because I’m writing about something I’m not familiar with and is not even in my interests (its all about cars) though am dreaming to have one of my own someday. It ‘s rather boring at the same time because we have to make contents of the same topic, over and over, and almost to the nth time. Good thing there were changes as the company grew. It sort of "spiced things up" and added a twist to the boring routine that we do. People come and go as years passed. I established bonds with my fellow SEO people, became friends with many and enemies with a few(lolz!). The moments we shared together were truly worth cherishing and it indeed eased up the hassle and bustle of work. But unfortunately, or rather fortunately (or let's say both fortunately and unfortunately, we got separated from the company in a "not-so'good" way.

On the night of "The Purge" - The Last Suffer

A Curse Turned Blessing

Yet, I know that it's actually part of the thrill and reality of living. Some things are not within our control, or others just pop out of nowhere but of course, I believe we always have control on how we react to those unexpected moments. Thanks to Bro. Bo for his daily dose of inspirations as well as for the seeds of faith passed over to me by my beloved parents. I believe that was of great help for me to cope up with what happened, fast and easy. And in spite of what happened, real friends lived on. And I’m glad we’re still crossing paths from time to time no matter how busy we are.

As for me, what happened was more of a blessing in disguise. At times the great things we hold dear to us are taken away from us because He wants to give us something better and greater. For a year, I had no permanent "earthly" job to boast off. I had no income as constant and as “more than enough” salary I had from my job, along with the sidelines(lolz), but that’s when I realized that happiness, peace and contentment can’t indeed be bought and paid with money. Though of course, money is an important commodity and it affects every aspect of our life but still, it’s not the MOST important priority so to say.

The vacant days and months I had gave me time to see what really are important and essential in life. I had great time with my family – cooking for them, doing chores at home (which I wasn’t able to do that much because I wasn’t able to spend much time at home), watching tv and movies with them, eating meals with them, chatting with them – these are just but simple moments but it gives me a feeling of peace and contentment. Indeed, searching for happiness is not something so complex, at times it’s just in the ordinary and simple, that we fail to see it. In fact, it’s just right in front of us, like our family and friends.

I also had a grrreaaater time serving my community, my fellow youth to be specific (ehem.. youth refers to people aged 15 and up, and I’m still included in that bracket..lolz). That was actually, what I have been asking for. I want to serve and be of service, and He did show me how. I realized that the more people I serve and share myself with, the more I grow and the more I enjoy being human and fully alive. It’s nice to meet and be with people with views and personalities different from you.

To Make a BIG Difference, Start with the Small and Simple

I want and I always want to make a difference, and I guess each one of us also aspires to do such. It’s a calling for each and one of us since we have different roles to perform and different missions to accomplish. We have our own fields and core gifts waiting to be discovered, honed and maximized, not just for our own glory but to fill out the role that’s really meant for us. And the challenge for us is to stand out and be the best that we can be in our own niche. We are given with unique sets of core gifts and how we make use of those is our best gift to our Giver. Core gifts are talents and skills that are inherent in us, that which you have edge over others. It’s something that propels you to do something with passion. It’s that thing that defines you. You can know your gifts through that something which you really like to do, and you’re really happy doing it. Mine is singing, writing, speaking and a little bit of dancing. But I’d rather sing.

Yet way back, I thought making a difference mean doing something BIG and not so ordinary. Yet I realized that giving your best even in the simple and small things that you do and in a way that only you can do is enough to make a big difference. You can start by being the best daughter or son, the best sister, friend or buddy in your own simple ways. You may think it wouldn’t matter much but they say its the simple things in life that greatly matters. And it’s actually in sharing yourself, in doing something simple and ordinary in the best way you can, that you can truly be happy, at peace and contented.

Been Tagged!

2009-07-06T00:26:00.001-07:00

Am still waiting for the time to clock in, so meanwhile let me just take my time to answer these mind-boggling questions..lolz..This if from lyn.

A. Attached or single? Single..by choice
B. Best friend? UP THERE
C. Cake or pie? PIE
D. Day of choice? Sunday
E. Essential item? Money..haha
F. Favorite color? Purple
G. Gummy bears or worms? Gummy bears
H. Hometown? Bigaa Legazpi City!!
I. Favorite indulgence? reading and reading!!
J. January or July? January
K. Kids? Nah yet
L. Life isn’t complete without? W/out God, family, freinds
M. Marriage date? someday perhaps..haha..
N. Number of magazine subscriptions? None
O. Oranges or apples? Oranges. Need vit c..
P. Phobias? Not actually phobia, moderate fear only-raattts!!
Q. Quotes? Sow what you want to reap!
R. Reasons to smile? Knowing that I'm LOVED unconditionally!!
S. Season of choice? Christmas season! Haha..tama ba?
T. Tag 5 people. I'm tagging Yona, talie, Peach, Yeng, Nayz
U. Unknown fact about me? Hmm..better be left unsaid..haha..
V. Vegetable? anything green
W. Worst habit? Im a certified procastinator..and I hate it!
X. X-ray or ultrasound? hmm..ultrasound
Y. Your favorite foods? pizza,vegetable salad,kahit ano basta nakakain..hehe..
Z. Zodiac sign? Scorpio

Here I am again!

2009-07-01T06:17:00.000-07:00

It really feels nice to be back again! My blog has been dosing off to sleep for..a year I guess. Well I've really been busy for the past months, though its not really tooo busy. It's just that, this blog has been out of my priorities. Brutally honest, but that's actually the real reason. And as of now, yes, there are lots of stuff in my mind that I want to write off.

And one of those is the new boss that I have now. Not actually a boss, just a superior whom I'm taking orders from. Anyway, its still called a boss. He's the type who doesn't know what he do not want! Confusing? Actually am also confused..harhar. It's like, the boss, wants the "me" to do "that thing" in "that way." So the "me" tried the best she can to come up with "that thing" in "that way". But when she's finally done, and excitedly shown it to the boss, he says that's not what he wants. So, the "me" reasoned out, but "that thing" is the same as "that way". "I followed the basic rules, the accepted standards, the specified procedures." But the boss firmly replied. "That's not what I want." So the "me" tried all the means she know for "that thing" to be "that way" but still to no avail.

Right then, the "me" asked her friends and colleagues, who are then experts on "that thing". And they said its actually ok, and in fact good. So she told their feedback to the Boss, but he simply said. "No, I'm the Boss, and its not the same." Aaaargggh! What does he want then. It seems he's sending out the message: find out what "I" do not want. I couldn't find it out myself either. Whew..I'm getting tired of this boss. Actually, I don't want to waste my time and be of service to someone who doesn't know what he really wants and what he do not want but well, this is part of "the path". And I need to be here be on "where I want to be."

Anyway, I'll take it then as a challenge. To find out, "what He do not want, and eventually find out what he wants. That is, to make "that thing in that "that way." This is just but an "alley" that I have to pass through to be "where I want to be."

My heart's desire..

2008-07-17T04:50:00.000-07:00

Here's what my heart utter in one of my "moments"...

Oh my Father and Lord
You know how weak my heart is
How easily I get distracted
How easily I get lost
My weak and faltering self
Easily succumbs to temptations
To the wordly pleasure and happiness
That lasts for nothing but a short time
And later on bring pain and tears

But, deep down Oh Lord and my Father
Is the desire to love you
To live for you alone
To follow your will
The path that you have prepared for me
But, weak and limited as I am
I go astray, absorbed in my own selfish desires

Oh my Father and Lord
Strengthen me, mold me
Shatter my resistance
With your strong yet gentle hands
Draw me out of my selfish self
Drown out the anger, pride and selfishness in me
In your ever flowing love and compassion

Oh my Father and Lord
I’m weak, yes I really am
I need you
I truly need you
I want to be like You
Be with me
Oh my Father and Lord
Be with me
In life and death
In darkness and in light
Oh my Father and Lord

2008-07-15T00:18:00.000-07:00

oh well..here I am again! I did missed blogging, kaso parang di na'ko marunong magsulat..hehe..nwy, just dropping by..mizn my workmates..=(

Just When...

2008-06-18T23:23:00.000-07:00

Just when..

I'm getting to know who I really am..

I'm opening up, showing up my true self,removing my masks..

I learned how to laugh out loud, again..partly because of the contagious boisterough laughter of peachy, yona and talie..

There are people who accepted me for who I am like Yona, Talie and Dex..

I'm tightening the bonds with the people around me, my felloe MBS people, especially with my sleepmates - Olops, Francis, Lyn, Mech, Peach

I found the buddies who made me laugh and cry by heart..

I shed tears for losing some special people in my life but still there are real friends who showed that there are still hundred reasons to smile and be happy..

I found those people to whom I can freely open up..

There is a shoulder I could cry on, hands to wipe away my tears..

I appreaciate the company of the people around me..

Just when I realized that its possible to have "real friendship", that friendship can truly exist..

That's then the time that we have to part ways. And sadly, it was all too abrupt, too shocking..

Goodbye guys..

I'll never forget:

our daily meryenda at the pantry..

The tusok-tusok ni kuya na ate, ate na barbers - calamares, tokneneng, chicken pop, beef, isaw, bopis

The shawarma ni kuya..

The french fries ni tiya..

The baduya, turon, banana-q, kamote-q ni tiya na may kiray ang kuko..

The daily lunch ni ate na kuya and kuya na bagong-rahay.

Peachy, yona and talie's kalaka..

Our cool, generous, understanding and kind-hearted Sir Dex..

Yona's ever-ready concern, openness, understanding and smartness..

Everyone's blogs, articles and posts

The pressure of editing, of beating the deadlines..

The backlogs

The Secret Ingredients..

Dex, Yona, Talie, Olops, Francis, Lyn, Mech, Peachy, Iris, Tin, Chayee, Ate Razh, Jirl, Yna, Ate Kla, Nayz, Ate Carol, Ruth..and all of you guys!!

Life is indeed a series of let go's, and let God's..

I'll truly, madly, deeply miiiizzz u guys!!! Love u all!!

Godbless us!!!

Experience as the Best Teacher

2008-06-18T03:12:00.000-07:00

Experience, they say is the best teacher, but( yes, there's owez the “but"), it is oftentimes a harsh teacher? Why? Because most of the time, we have to go through pains and tears for the lessons to set in. In a classroom setting, we’re given the lesson first and later on, the test to see if we really learned something.

In real life, however, that may seem to work the other way around, the test first and the lesson in the end. We have several means on how we can learn those lessons but still, we need real experiences to test us and give us opportunities to apply those lessons. And yes, the lessons we learn from experiences are still way too different from those we learned through others or through books, net, and many other mediums.

However, no matter how great a teacher an experience may be, it’s still up to us if we’ll be open to the lessons it will teach us, or we’ll just continue to go through those experiences, over and over, learning nothing.

Nang Makitang kang Muli ( A little dose of drama..again..wahaha)

2008-05-03T02:05:00.000-07:00

I’ve seen him last ordination. The first next hours and days after that were really..hmmm..sorta painful because it reminded me again of that “hope”, that unsure hope and of course, the happy moments and feelings which might remain as mere part of the past. Well yes,deep down, there is still the flickering hope..(ehem..seems I hear "sana maulit muli ang mga oras nating nakaraan" and "love will lead you back.."..wahaha. Anyway, at least I can laugh now..hehe..)I don’t know if that lingering past would still be part of my future "presents". But then, he seems ok with where and what he has right now. And furthermore, I promised my Father to empty myself with everything bout' him. And I must be true, firm and faithful to that promise. I can’t take away what I offered. I know, He knows what will really make me happy..and how much I struggle to really let go and be faithful to what He wants for me right now. Let him go, Sally.. and let yourself go as well..let go..( Goodbye, I hate to see you go but have a good time, somewhere down the road, our roads are gonna cross again, it doesn't really matter when, or where..hehe)

And as w my family, yes, they need more of my time and attention especially my mom and bunso..

Your Greatest Curse can be your Greatest Blessing!

2008-04-03T21:32:00.000-07:00

Gone with those make-over sessions for now. I'm just too damn busy with those piles of "to be edited" tasks. For now, just wanna have a quick post from one of my favorite mentors, Bo Sanchez. And I tell you, he's really worth your time so I'm also urging you to check out his sites.

This post really inspires me..and its true as I look back on what Ive been through. I actually do not believe in coincidences. For me, there's always the reason behind and well, it may be one of HIS ways to tell us something. We may even see it as something negative but HE can turn out those negativities into something positive. Even those that we consider as curse can turn out as our greatest blessings. All we need to do is just to offer those curse to HIM, and He'll surely turn that out into a blessing. There's nothing He can't do. That's how pwerful my, our God is.

Be blessed! Read on...

How To Turn Your Good Friday To Your Easter Sunday

Are you a good person?

If you are, do you wonder why bad things still happen to you?

Harold Kushner wrote a book with this same title and it became an instant bestseller. Because people want to know the answer.

Sorry, I’m not going to give you an answer. (Nobody can.)

Because the problem of suffering will always remain a mystery.

Instead, I’m going to tell you what to do.

I will tell you what to do in the midst of your suffering—so that you can overcome your suffering. How you can turn your Good Friday into your Easter Sunday!

Are you ready?

Let me share with you a powerful story…

Your Greatest Curse Can Turn To Be

Your Greatest Blessing

Michelangelo had a persecutor who was very jealous of him.

(I don’t mean the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but the real Michelangelo.)

The persecutor’s name was Bramante, a famous architect during that time.

By the way, do you know Bramante? I’m positive 99% of you never heard of him. Do you notice how persecutors fade away in the dust, but the one they persecute become legends? An important lesson to remember!

When Pope Julius thought of making a tomb, he asked Michelangelo to do it.

But when Bramante heard of it—and thought of the acclaim that Michelangelo would receive from it—he discouraged the Pope from continuing with the project. True enough, after Michelangelo searched far and wide for the perfect marble for the project—which took 8 long months—he learned that the Pope had abandoned the project. Michelangelo was very disappointed.

One day, the Pope thought of another project.

Upon hearing about it, Bramante concluded that it would be a time-consuming project and would receive very little public acclaim. So he told the Pope to give it to Michelangelo. In his mind, it would keep the artist busy for years—and accomplish nothing of great value.

Besides, it was also a painting job, and Bramante knew that Michelangelo was not even a painter, but a sculptor.

Michelangelo saw the trap. He knew it was a ploy by his enemy to destroy him. At first, he declined. But the Pope insisted, and not wanting to deny his Holiness, he agreed.

The project was indeed time-consuming. It took Michelangelo 4 years to finish, and he almost lost his eyesight because of it…

I’m sure you know the project by now: The Sistine Chapel. The grandest masterpiece of Michelangelo. More than anything, it made him one of the greatest painters of all time.

What was meant to curse him turned out to be his greatest blessing.

Good Friday was supposed to be the greatest curse.

Yet it also turned out to be the greatest blessing.

No Matter What Trials Come,

Keep Doing The Good You’re Supposed To Do

I reflect on this story and look at my own life.

I’ve been serving God for that past 27 years, and I do get my share of little “Bramante’s” scattered here and there.

But without them, I would have missed my greatest blessings: spiritual growth, opportunities to serve, and the impact I have on people’s lives.

My biggest Bramante’s were the two men who molested me as a child.

Because of these indescribable painful experiences, I’ve been able to heal so many people who have the same inner wounds. (You can read more about this in two of my books, Your Past Does Not Define Your Future, and 7 Secrets To Real Freedom.)

I could also think of my other trials in life…

Oh, why do bad things happen to good people?

Here’s my great theological answer: I don’t know.

But this I know. No matter what trials come, I’ll do the good that I’m supposed to do.

And at the end of the day, I will win.

Friend, remain faithful to God in good times and in bad times.

And you’ll see how all things work for good to those who love Him.

And you’ll see how your Good Friday will turn to Easter Sunday.

Don’t ever give up!

May your dreams come true,

Bo Sanchez

Make-over pleazze!

2008-02-29T00:23:00.000-08:00

If my blog could talk, guess it would ask for a make-over! Yes I admit, my blog is somewhat dull and boring..hehe..As I said, it's meant to express not to impress, so I don't really mind! But then, there's no harm trying for a new look though it may eat up my time. Nwy, I'll be making it a real "blog" one of these coming days. ciao!

So many things to do, so little done!

2008-02-28T01:55:00.001-08:00

waaaa! Have lots and lots of things to do, concerns to focus on but..oh my..so little done! Nwy, I can do all things thru Him who strengthens me!!

The Hurt Survey

2008-02-12T18:34:00.000-08:00

This Is The Hurt Survey. Got this from my bulletin.
Let's see if you’re tough enough to get
through it. If not, you're too scared
about the truth.

1. Would you kiss the last person you
kissed, again?
-hmmm..ewan depende sa circumstances..hehe..

2. Have you told anyone you'd marry
them?
-parang oo na..those times when I don’t know what am talking about..wahaha

3. Have you ever liked someone so much
that it hurts?
-yes

4. Have you ever made a bf/gf cry?
-sabi nila oo daw

5. Are you happier single or in a
relationship?
-single as of now..

6. Have you ever told someone you
loved them and didn't mean it?
-ye ye..

7. Have you ever had your heart broken?
-oo nmn! But MY FATHER made it whole again..

8. Have you ever broken someone else's
heart?
-oo na ata..

9. Do you still talk to your exes?
-oo

10. Last time you kissed someone?
-days ago..hehe..ang cuutttte kong inaanak..si be-ann!!

11. If you could go back in time and
change things, would you?
-i'd rather not to..i dnt know what the consequences may be..the next series of events may be worst than what ive been through..

12. Do you think you are a good bf/gf?
-both good, bad and naughty..harharhar

13. Do you believe everyone deserves a
second chance?
-oo nmn, kahit 7 times 7 to the nth infinity..hehe

14. Have u ever liked anyone else's
bf/gf?
-actually oo..but am battling against it..hehe

15. Like anyone right now?
-uu, kaso I easily fall kaya am still battling against that simple Liking w/c may go beyond….

17. Does that person like you back?
-oo nmn! wahaha..ambisyosa!!

18. What are you going to do tonight?
-sleep, watch tv, reflect, pray

19. How do you feel right now?
-ewan..halo halo..hehe

21. Have you ever been kissed upside
down?
-d pa, pero pwd itry..wahahha

22. What would you like to say to one
person on your mind?
-h!

Repost this as "The Hurt Survey"

Bwahahaha!

2008-01-25T22:04:00.000-08:00

I was roaming over the net when I tripped on this post from Trip. In fairness..natawa ako..hehe..kaya go na rin..basa!!

It was jazz an ordinary day.

The skies were clear, the birds were chipping. Ang ganda-ganda ng araw!

Nasa SM ako noon at katatapos ko lang mamili ng groceries. Timing naman nasa foodcore si Angel Locsin, nagpro-provoke ng movie nya. Grabe, andaming fans, pull-packed talaga! Dahil fans nya rin ako, nakipila na rin ako.

Then suddenly, out of the loo, may bumulong sa akin ng : "Indaaayyyyy..."

Huh? It sounded like a familiar sound. Who can it be now?

"Dodong!" sigaw ko.

Napalakas yata voice ko. Kasi the other fans turned their backs to their
behind at napatingin sa amin. Sabi ko "Sorry, I didn't mean to be loud and proud." Hinawakan na lang ni Dodong ang kamay ko at lumayo kami from the crowd.

"Kamusta na Inday? Do you come here open?" tanong nya.

"Bihira lang, Dodong. I'm just droppings by. Ethnic ang schedule ko eh" sabi ko.

Memories came flushing in my mind. How can I forget to remember Dodong?

Siya na may mata ni Piolo, dimple ni Aga, at bigote ni Rex Cortez. He's
every woman's dreamboat. I was just starting my tour of duty kay ate noon nang unang makilala ko si Dodong. Contraction worker siya sa ginagawang bahay sa tapat namin. Naging kami for a while then after that were not an item anymore.

"Tanghali na Inday. What did you say we have lunch together?" tanong ni Dodong.

"I don't mine" sagot ko.

Sa restaurant, nilapitan kaagad kami ng waiter. "What's your odor sir?"
sabi nung waiter kay Dodong.

"Do you have porkshop?" tanong ni Dodong.

"Yes sir" sabi nito. "Our porkshop with a resistance to the teeth of boast of our chef. Domestic careful selection of pork with little fat of female liking is used. The exquisite cooking which repeated trial and error and was completed. It also has healthy vegetables with salad feeling fully" dagdag pa niya.

"And you mam?" sabay tingin naman sa akin.

Hmmm..mukhang masarap yung porkshop. Pero I'm cutting down on my carbon kaya pinigilan ko.

"I'll just have water, thanks. Liquidate diet ako eh."sagot ko.

Pagkatapos kumain, nagyaya si Dodong manood ng sine. Teka teka, this is going too far. Besides, it's a long, long, way to run.

"Reality chess, Dodong. May asawa na ako, si Jay. As a mother of fact, I'm happily married" pagmamalaki ko.

"Di na pwede yung tulad ng dati. Sorry pero I didn't expect you still have more feelings than I expected. I don't want you getting the way. Past is fast. Therefore, cause and defect." dagdag ko pa.

Tumahimik sya. Parang may language barrel na namagitan sa amin. The seconds that passed seemed like fraternity. Di nagla-on, nagsalita na rin sya.

"I don't care less!" sigaw ni Dodong.

Shocks, give me a brake! The nerd ng taong ito para sigawan ako! To think it's his other woman that caused our separation to part.

Kinabahan na ako. I felt speedbumps all over my body and was having panic attach. Tinalikuran ko siya at nagmadali akong lumakad palayo. Pero sumunod pa rin siya like a monkey on my butt. Hanggang sa makakita ako ng security guard. Biglang nawala si Dodong.

"Excuse me kuya, pwedeng magtanong?" sabi ko sa mamang guard.

"Of course miss, I can help you with my pleasure." sagot niya.

"Saan po ba ang exit? Could you point me to the right erection? I got lost in my eyes."

"Diretso lang."sabi niya. "Then turn right anytime with care."

"Thanks for your corporation" sabi ko.

Buti na lang nandun si kuya. Pero saglit lang, I smell something peachy. As I turned, nakita ko na namang nakasunod si Dodong! Delaying static lang pala kanina ang pag-disappear nya.

"Nyahahaha! You can run but you can hide, Inday. No matter where you go, there you are!" pananakot nya.

Oh no, is this the end? This is too much, I feel degradable. My world
started falling afar.

Then suddenly, Jay come from behind! Dodong was caught to the act! In the matter of minute, it's all over. I'm out of arm's way.

"Thanks Jay, my love. But how did you.?" bago pa man ako matapos, sabi niya:

"I was in the neighborhood. Fans din ako ni Angel eh. I heard you shout but at first I didn't give it a thought. Pero nang makita ko kayong magkahawak
ng holding hands, then I give it a thought. I know something is a missed."

From then on, Dodong did not brother me again. In fact, he didn't even
sister me. As in platonic at wala na talaga.

Pero kami ni Jay, heto, shoot sailing pa rin ang relationship. Lalo pa
ngayon, open na kami sa isa't-isa at walang exhibitions. I feel I'm on
cloudline.

The year that was..and the year that will be..

2008-01-03T18:09:00.000-08:00

Yes, another year has ended once again, and here comes another year. As I look back over the past year, I could say that it's a battle well fought! 2007 was a year of struggles, conflicts and tears as reflected in my past posts ( the oh so dramatic emotional posts..hehe) but at this point I realized that it was indeed meant for a higher purpose.

S far, 2007 was the year I had the most painful heartbreak (..I don't know if the worst is still yet to come..uh oh..). However, along with the tears and pains are the lessons and values that I learned the hard way. Pain they say is a signal for growth. Remember the story of the clam that complained of the pain on his back which turns out to be a growing pearl? How about the caterpillar which must go through the hard way of coming out of its cocoon to squeeze out the liquid from its body and be the beautiful butterfly it is meant to be? Or how about the story of the potter and the clay? The clay was nothing but a mere clay but the potter takes it and molds it into a magnificent pot. However, the clay complained and complained because of the pain that it got into as the potter shaped and reshaped it and exposed it to fire and air. Good thing the potter didn't give up so in the end, the clay was molded into a beautiful pot.

I am also the clam, the butterfly and the clay. In the past year, I struggled through pains and tears. Whew! There are times when tears just flowed from my eyes with almost no reason at all.( but I'm still w/in my sanity.. those were the times when my emotions just skyrocket) Yes, I admit. I'm too sensitive. I'm too emotional although it may not be that obvious but deep down, I really am. I'm too weak deep down but you know what? I proved that my weakness is my strength because at that moment when I have no one, nothing to hold on to and cling to, in those moments that I'm really down (as in 0 degree below the ground), that I’m really too weak; that's the time when I truly surrendered to the Higher power, and allowed it to take over. Prayers indeed work wonders. As the burden became heavier, greater than my own limited strength, I had no other choice left but to kneel down and look up. That's the moment of my surrender, the moment when I let go of my resistance. The more I resist, the more painful it gets but as I open up, go with the flow of emotions and surrender, that's when I find release. Tears became my means for expressing inner grief that words cannot utterly express.

Along those times when I thought I was alone, when I have no one to turn to, God was there with me. I really don't know how to say it but I felt it. That sort of moment when you were really crying, then you pray and offer it all to Him knowing that He very well knows what you really feel since He is your creator. And after which, you just felt ok ,as if the tears have washed away the pains. As I look back, circumstances have conspired to light up my path. The circumstances I encountered served as my mentors to help me see and understand what I was going through.

As of now, I'm still in the process of getting over those memories but I have high hopes for this year. And I am imploring all the positive forces to be with me as I once again take my journey. I know there will be moments of pains and tears which can even be worst than what I’ve been through but I know I can get through because our Creator, our Boss, our Master and our Best Friend, and at the same time the all powerful King of Kings is with us, and in us.

As He promised:

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)

We may have big problems but there is a BIGGER GOD out there who will be us to get through it. So whatever difficulty you may be going through right now or will be going through, lay it all down on His cross and hope for the best! May our hearts be open and be wide enough for all His blessings!

Puffs of Thoughts..

2007-11-23T23:33:00.000-08:00

Here I am again! It's been so long since I had my last post. Who cares anyway? I'm actually itching to post but I can't seem to unite my conflicting, ironic, jumbled thoughts! Anyway as I said, this blog is more of an outlet for expression and not for impression although how I wish It could somehow be of use to others. Meanwhile, I'll use it to express what's taking place in my mind. Ok so, let me try to sort out the tangled threads of thoughts and feelings inside me.

a. Work Related Concerns - The company recently had an avaluation of the employee's performance. It was also the basis for the supposed salary increase. All employees have their increase. However, it paved way to more negative effects that positive ones. I don't know how high the given salary rates were but the lowest is actually, 3%. Hmmm..I really don't know if that's fair enough considering the standard and the nature of our job as compared with the standard in the IT industry. Personally, if I will be asked, the salary rates were not fair. Imagine an employee with a salary higher than his boss? Hmmm..or how about a former employee promoted to a higher position which comes along with added responsibilities and tasks but with the same compensation as that of an ordinary employee? How reliable and fair was the standard used? Did it really measure the real performance and value of an employee? Or rather, can the salary rate or the salary itself, speak for the real worth, effeciency and performance of the employee? And worst, the employee are not even given the chance to know how they come up with the rates. Is it such a highly confidential matter that we're not given a chance to know it?

There are still lots of questions in my mind but still, the increase itself is reason enough to be thankful. Still better than nothing, right? Anyway,Paulo Coelho mentioned in one of his books that every blessing ignored becomes a curse. Perhaps there is indeed truth in what he said. This increase will be more of a curse if we see it negatively. Using it as a basis to measure your worth could just lead to more negative thoughts. It's up to the person if he'll respond negatively or positively. As for me, I'll choose to respond positively. No matter how small the increase may seem, its a big thing for bread winners like me. Anyway,there is still the next evaluation. Its easier to move on top than to stay on top, right? There is still the time to make up. Yet, hope the company can truly come up with a reliable and truly fair standard and rates that would be of just benefit for all..not just among the few.

Simple but Profound..

2007-09-26T02:48:00.000-07:00

A giant ship engine failed. The ship's owners tried
one expert after another, but none of them could
figure but how to fix the engine. Then they brought in
an old man who had been fixing ships since he was a
young.

He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he
arrived, he immediately went to work. He inspected the
engine very carefully, top to bottom.

Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this
man, hoping he would know what to do. After looking
things over, the old man reached into his bag and
pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something.
Instantly, the engine lurched into life. He carefully
put his hammer away.

The engine was fixed! A week later, the owners
received a bill from the old man for ten thousand
dollars.

"What?!" the owners exclaimed. "He hardly did
anything!" So they wrote the old man a note saying,
"Please send us an itemized bill."

CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE BREAKDOWN WAS?

The man sent a bill that read:
Tapping with a hammer. ............. . $ 2.00
Knowing where to tap..........$ 9,998.00

Effort is important, but knowing where to make an
effort in your life makes all the difference.

An Excerpt from Maria's Diary..

2007-09-25T21:50:00.000-07:00

Once Upon a time, there was a bird. He was adorned with two perfect wings and with glossy, colorful, marvelous feathers. In short, he was a creature made to fly about freely in the sky, bringing joy to everyone who saw him.

One day, a woman saw this bird and fell in love with him. She watched his flight, her mouth wide in amazement, her heart pounding, her eyes shining with excitement. She invited the bird to fly with her, and the two traveled across the sky in perfect harmony. She admired and venerated the celebrated the bird.

But then, she thought: He might want to visit far off mountains! And she was afraid, afraid that she would never feel the same way about any other bird. And she felt envy, envy for the bird's ability to fly.

And she felt alone.

And she thought: "I'm going to set a trap. The next time the bird appears, he will never leave again."

The bird, who was also in love, returned the following day, fell into the trap and was put in a cage.

She looked at the bird every day. There he was, the object of her passion, and she showed him to her friends, who said: "Now you have everything you could possibly want." However, a strange transformation began to take place: now that she had the bird and no longer need to woo him, she began to lose interest. The bird, unable to fly and express the true meaning of his life, began to waste away and his feathers to lose their gloss: he grew ugly; and the woman no loner paid him any attention, except by feeding him and cleaning out his cage.

One day, the bird died. The woman felt terribly sad and spent all her time thinking about him. But she did not remember the cage, she thought only of the day when she had seen him for the first time, flying contentedly amongst the clouds.

If she had looked more deeply into herself, she would have realized that what had thrilled her about the bird was his freedom, the energy of his wings in motion, not his physical body.

Without the bird, her life too lost its meaning, and Death came knocking at her door. "Why have you come?" she asked Death. "So that you can fly once more with him across the sky,” Death replied. "If you had allowed him to come and go, you would have loved and admired him even more; alas, you now need me in order to find him again."

-Eleven Minutes by Paolo Coelho

Thoughts..

2007-09-22T01:32:00.000-07:00

As I focus on how wrongfully I was treated, on the sweet promises that was broken, on the disappointments I had in spite of keeping ablaze the fire of hope, on the struggles and sacrifices I go through but was not given due recognition and importance and on the happiness he has gone through while I was miserably thinking of him; a surge of pain pulsates in my heart, making it beat faster..and faster until I am again taken back to the past, to those times. And again, I would go through pain.

However, it made me realize something. I am feeling the pain because I am focusing on it, because I am focusing on myself. It hurts because I am thinking that I was not treated the way I want to be treated. It hurts because I did not get in return what I expected to have. Indeed, the pain we feel are actually the expectations that failed, expectations that we build for ourselves. Perhaps our society shaped those expectations.

On the other hand, if I look at the situation in a bigger perspective, the pain loses its power over me. Yes I cried but alongside those moments are laughter and joys. Yes I was treated wrongly but there were also the times that I really felt loved and cared for, treated specially. There were broken promises but there were also the times that I admired him for really standing up for his promises in spite of the odds. I was disappointed but there were also the times that I was surprised with the wonders that life can offer. I struggled and sacrificed but it didn’t end up in vain. What I’ve been through made me realize that I also have the capacity to sacrifice in the name of love. In the end, it made me a wiser and stronger person. My misery while he was going through happiness can be blamed on no one but me. It was my own reaction. It was my choice. I could have been happy by myself, and personally choose to be happy even without him but I choose to go through misery. So why put the blame on him for not using my will rightly?

So as of now, if those painful thoughts recur, which I know will really happen from time to time, the best thing that I can do is to shun away from those painful moments and instead focus on the happy ones and on the discoveries and lessons I had about love, life and my existence. What I’ve been through helped me to discover who I really am. And you know what? I discovered that I am still not that capable of giving true and selfless love. I thought I was really loving, but no. Lined up before me are conditions and terms. Real love flows freely. But what is real love anyway? I actually do not know but what I’ve been through taught me one thing: It’s not easy to love. It’s so easy to say you are in love or made yourself believe that you are in love. Or even push yourself to fall in love. But mind you, it’s not as easy as you think. Meanwhile, I am nursing my wounded heart. I felt pain, but I can say it’s all worth it. I know I can get through these. If the love I felt is real, it will conquer these pains and it will survive. If not, perhaps that’s not love at all. Anyway, what is real has its own way of expressing itself.

Love moves in mysterious ways. Love always finds its own way.

Stop Worrying

2007-09-12T00:47:00.000-07:00

Playing the role of someone we are really not can be too tiring and exhausting. The same is also true when we start to take the role of a God, of someone who wants to be in control of everything. We make ourselves the standard, expecting others to be like us or to agree and follow whatever we will. Such attitude can be one of the root causes of worry. We want everything to be in line with what we want but well, it’s a hard core reality that we can’t control everything. Yes we have a certain degree of control over what happens in our lives especially in our reaction towards some unexpected situations but we have to face up the reality that we are not God. There is a God, and you’re not him.

It is said that modern life can be summed up in three words: Hurry, Worry and Bury. It cannot be denied that almost all of us are always in a hurry, troubled up with lots of worries partly because of factors that we can’t control but we want to control, and so eventually or let’s say gradually, we speed up our days and end up in the cemetery. Instead of HWB, why don’t we change it to the 3R’s: Relax, Reflect and Renew. And also, KISS( Keep it Simple, Stupid!) Yes, at times we act so stupidly by complicating simple matters.

As for me, the very core of our worries is our doubt and lack of trust that our Father can give us what is best for us. We want to be in control of our own lives because we think that the “One Up There” is not that capable in filling up our needs and aspirations. Thus, we trod the path of pride and self righteousness, complicate matters and act as God thinking that we can have full control of our own lives but mind you, that is just a mere fantasy. The day will come and that bubble of fantasy will simply explode. Take note, we are living in reality. There is a God and you’re not Him. All I can say is, we are His creatures and He knows every corner and details of our hearts. He knows our needs, our desires and aspirations. He knows us through and through. He wants us to be happy and he intends the ultimate best for us. All we have to so is stop worrying, stop doubting, stop playing God and finally, trust Him and live simply.

Thoughts on Letting Go..

2007-09-11T02:40:00.000-07:00

Letting go of the things that we used to hold on, as if its the most valuable possesion we have, can truly be one of the scariest and painful experiences in our life. Yet, it is only by emptying ourselves and leaving some things behind, especially if it is becoming more of a burden, can we truly open up ourselves to the wonders that life can offer. Taking a leap into the unknown and trusting in HIS great plan for us can we only discover what we are truly capable of becoming. Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.

There are times that letting go is much better instead of fighting and holding on. Just picture the trees in the storm. The trees that stand erect and tall are usually the ones that break. Some trees however allow themselves to bend and be blown over. They understand that it's not the time to resist but to let go and move with the wind.

And now is not the time for me to stand tall and firm..or else..I will break. Let go and let God.

September 7, 2007

2007-09-07T02:41:00.000-07:00

hmm..it seems that my past posts are way too serious and dramatic..hehe..Actually that was what I felt in the past weeks and months but this time, I can say that I'm finally taking my steps towards letting go and moving on. Yes there is the pain of losing but know what? I'm doing it with deeper purpose and reason. I'll disclose it later..hehe..meantime..it feels nice to unload the burden that I have been carrying all along. And by the way..its nice to be free and do things on my own again.

Musings..

2007-08-23T02:10:00.000-07:00

Now, everything is just a dream
Nothing but mere memories
Of a love that was once there
But was not meant to be

Falling in Love

2007-08-22T01:10:00.000-07:00

Bo Sanchez is actually one of my favorite writers and speakers, and he's been a blessing for me. I've learned a lot from him, including those myths and thoughts that must be unlearned. And that includes the common myth that we have about love. Well yes I admit, I used to believe in those myths. Anyway, these thoughts are actually worth pondering upon. Read on..

WHEN YOU FALL IN LOVE
(Debunking The Myths That Are Driving You Crazy)
By: Bo Sanchez

This article isn’t for teenagers only.

Falling in love happens to the young and the not-so-young. (Did you see 42-year-old Tom Cruise jump up and down Oprah’s couch because of Katie?). It happens to everyone. Fat, thin, tall, short, intelligent, uneducated, holy, not so holy, dark, white, yellow, green… it doesn’t really matter. All of us fall in love. And we get stuck in myths that drive us absolutely crazy. My goal is to debunk these myths and convince you not to believe in them. Let’s begin…

MYTH 1: LOVE WILL CONQUER ALL.

Let me qualify. This is such a tricky myth. Because love, as defined by the Bible, will conquer all. But love, as defined by glazed-eyed lovers, will not. If you believe in this myth, you might do the following:You overlook major obstacles in your relationship. Everyone you know is wondering why you chose that creature from outer space as your boyfriend. Your bestfriends are telling you to get rid of him. Your family is telling you to throw him out of a running vehicle. Aling Rosa of the sari-sari store across the street is telling you to lace his drink with poison. But you won’t, because you’re in love. That’s why there are songs entitled, “You And Me Against The World.”

Your bestbuds comment, “but he’s been jobless for the past three years!” And you say, “He’s free-spirited. He feels boxed in when he’s in the office. (in other words, he’s undisciplined, lazy bum.)

Your officemates say, “He flirts with other women constantly!” and you say, “No, he’s just friendly.” (in other words, he’s a pervert).

Your cousins say, “He’s taking drugs, he’s got needle marks all over his arm.” And you say, “No, he’s into cross stitching.”

You overstay in toxic relationships, believing that your love will change him.

The wedding doesn’t transform anyone. Even if three Popes officiate the wedding. The person you’ll march with into the church will be the same person you’ll march with out of the church. He doesn’t change one bit. In fact, the marriage makes the hidden more obvious. If he was selfish before he got married, he will be even more selfish after the wedding. If he was hypercritical before he got married, he’ll even be more vile and prolific with his criticisms after the wedding. Here’s the truth: You need more than feelings of love to make a relationship work. You need mature character, total commitment and a minimum level of compatibility. Especially compatibility in the area of values and mission in life. I hear people say, “We’re compatible. Our names begin with the same letter J. My name is Julie and his name is Julio. We’re both born in July.” Wow. That’s so deep, I want to cry.

MYTH 2: WHEN IT’S TRUE LOVE, YOU WILL KNOW THE MOMENT YOU MEET THE OTHER PERSON.

I’m sure you’ve had this experience before. You are in a crowded room. You’re surrounded by boring, noisy chatter when, suddenly, this gorgeous guy enters the door. Your eyes meet. Instantly, time stands still. The universe grinds to a halt. Except for this attractive man in front of you, everything in your vision becomes a giant blur. The hubbub of the crowd becomes a soft muffle and, from out of nowhere, you hear gentle violin music from the background. One week later, he’s your boyfriend. A few weeks later, you discover that your boyfriend’s a pathological liar, buried in credit card debt, borrows money from all his girlfriends (you’re his eighth in six months). Your mind says, “Dump him!” Your heart says, “But it was love at first sight!” Here are the consequences…

You become so focused on the magical first moment, you become blind to the dark side of the relationship. Six out of seven days, you’re fighting with your boyfriend. But you can’t give him up because you met each other in such a magical moment. Your car keys fell and he picked it up, and then your eyes met, you smelled his deodorant, and you dropped your keys again… How can you not be meant for each other?

You become a love-at-first-sight junkie that you could miss out on the “real thing”. One intelligent woman told me, “Bo, there’s this guy who’s courting me. He’s okay. He’s kind, he’s responsible, he has a good job…” I could hear a ‘but’ coming ,” I said. “but there are no sparks!” she bit her lip. “No violin music playing in the background, huh! None. When I see him, the background music I hear is lululalu-lalulalulalei…” Listen. You don’t need a magical first moment to meet our potential husband. The important things are mature character, financial responsibility, ability for commitment, compatible mission and values. I actually met this girl again on her wedding, and before she marched down the aisle, she whispered to me, “Do you hear the violin music, Bo? It’s loud and clear.” It doesn’t have to be love at first sight. In fact, marriages with the least adjustments are those between friends who’ve known each other for years before they realize that they’re good marriage material. What is love at first sight? Many times, it’s lust at first sight. Or infatuation at first sight. Don’t give it too much weight. Here’s the truth: it takes a moment to experience infatuation but true love takes a lifetime.

MYTH 3: IF IT IS TRUE LOVE, YOU WILL FEEL THIS WAY FOR EACH OTHER FOREVER.

No, you won’t. Here are the consequences for believing this myth :

You panic when the feelings wane, and wonder whether the marriage is over and whether you really loved one another in the first place. Imagine the night of your honeymoon. Your new bride is sleeping. The cotton curtains are gently swaying in the cool breeze. You gaze at her lovely face. You study her soft cheeks. Her long eyelashes, her beautiful nose, her parted red lips. And all of a sudden, she snores.”Ngggggggooork!!” How do you react? Because it’s your honeymoon, you say, “How cute!” Six months down the road, the same scene transpires. Your wife is sleeping. And the same cotton curtains are gently swaying in the cool breeze. And you hear her snore.”Ngggggoork!” What do you say? “Ssssssheeeesh, Honey! You sound like a boat!” What has happened? The feelings have gone. Let me say this: That’s normal. It happens to everyone. But it doesn’t mean your love is gone so don’t panic! You can make a decision to love the snoring boat.

You start blaming your partner for the loss of love. This is nutty. But many people do it: when we don’t feel in love, we think it’s the faultof the other person. And so we fight him. Again, we fall out of love because we’re human beings. It’s nobody’s fault. The moment you fall out of love, the real work begins . Let me explain. This is the most important point I’m going to make. (I got this from Scott Peck in his bestseller book, The Road Less Traveled).

Falling in love isn’t love. Here’s why. When you fall in love…

No decision is required. Falling in love just happens.

No effort is required. Falling in love is like…. well, falling.

No hard work is required. Falling in love is being bitten by the love bug.

On the other hand, true love requires all three : Decision, effort and lots of hard work. In the Bible, love is a command. You make it happen. Sure true love can only happen after you’ve fallen out of love. When you begin choosing to love, even if you don’t feel like doing it — that’s true love. And that’s the foundation of a lasting marriage.

MYTH 4: YOUR PARTNER WILL FULFILL YOU COMPLETELY.

Again because falling in love satisfied you completely, you want the same satisfaction to last. No it won’t. Consequence? You might fail to recognize a good relationship because your partner isn’t fulfilling the needs you should be fulfilling yourself. Here’s the truth: the right partner will fulfill many of your needs but not all of them. There are just some things your husband can’t give you: Your self-worth. Your spirituality. Your inner happiness. These are things you have to work on your own. I’ve met lots of people who think they’re dissatisfied with their marriage. In reality, they’re dissatisfied with themselves. I’ve met lots of people who think they’re bored with their marriages. And they complain to the high heavens how boring their husband or wife is, when in truth, they’re really bored with life. Meet your own needs. Find your happiness in God. Find your niche, your calling, your destiny. And then share your joy with your spouse.

MYTH 5: IF IT’S TRUE LOVE, YOU WON’T BE ATTRACTED TO ANYONE ELSE.

If you believe in this myth, you panic when you get attracted to someone else, questioning the authenticity of your love for your spouse. One man told me, “Bo, I love my wife. Or I thought I did. But then I met this woman at work. She has nice make-up. She smells nice. She wears a pencil-cut skirt. When I go home, my wife is wearing a drab rag. Her hair is undone. She smells of vinegar. Gosh I am attracted to this girl atwork.” Being attracted to someone is normal, even if you have a happy marriage. But being attracted doesn’t mean falling into adultery. Every time you think of the other woman, discipline your heart and say, “Home, boy… home!” and escort your heart back to your wife. Because if you feed your attraction with fantasies and constantly think about the other woman, it grows . But if you starve your attraction, it dies a natural death.

Once There Were Sand Castles..

2007-08-22T00:36:00.000-07:00

The memories we share with the people we love are like building sand castles. We take effort in building it. We laugh together, filling up our hands with sand, carefully curving the castles with our very own hands. Yes we find pleasure in building it although we are aware that it can be easily destroyed in just one splash of the water or in a single blow of the wind. We see it right before our very eyes. The sand castle we built in fun and pleasure, standing proudly amidst the waves and wind. Yet, in just a blink of an eye, that sandcastles can crumble, carried away by the waves, dilute it, until nothing remains.

Yet we know that once there is a sandcastle in that spot. We see it destroyed and we can't do anything to keep it intact or stop the waves and wind from tearing it down. Yes perhaps we can, but for how long? As said, it came from dust and to dust it will return.

In the same way, the moments we share with others and with our loved ones are like those castles. We shared happy moments together, we laughed and had fun. We had moments of tears and pain to the point that we wanna give up building moments together. The same is true to the winds and waves that may discourage us to go on and build sand castles. At times we simply want to let the sand slip through our grasp. But still, the feeling of anticipation, pleasure and simply the joy of being with each other give us the push to be together although we also know, and we are aware that the moments we build in sweat and blood can end up as mere memories, like the castles destroyed by waves and wind. We saw the moments crumble right before our very eyes and we can do nothing about it. In the end, it all stumbles into pieces. It is gone until nothing remains, but we know that there were the moments, moments that we can only see through our mind's eye.

Once there were castles of sand.
Once there were memories.
It's gone but we know that once..it's there..right before our very eyes...

I Will Get Through...

2007-08-14T22:45:00.000-07:00

Two months, that seemed to be so long, have passed since we had our last sincere talk. I thought it would not be that hard for me. I did and gave what I can. Our situation taught me to treat every moment as if it’s the last. I learned to maximize our time together, said the words I want him to hear, did the acts that would express what my heart really felt and loved in the way I know, in every way I can. I thought that would be reason enough for me not to cry. I used to believe tears are expressions of words left unspoken, of actions left undone, of regrets, of what if's and could have been's that we failed to do. But on my part, I did what I can so I thought it would not be that painful. I tried to put my feelings on hold and decided to deal with it later, hoping that it will just sink down into my consciousness.

But here I am now. The feelings and thoughts that I tried to numb indeed sink into my consciousness, not to be totally lost but to draw more power. And now it’s resurfacing, and I’m having this pulsating pain deep down. I did cry for the past days but it seems that the real impact is just starting now. Anyway, those are just but mere moments. Those are part of my past though yes, it can still be part of my tomorrow but this is my now. I am here now, in my present. I shall walk forward. I will run no matter how far. .

I don’t wanna go back to that painful past. Though there is something in me that wants to hold on and the other side wants to let go and move on. I can’t really grasp what did happened but all I know is, something went wrong. Deep inside, I really want him back. It’s just that I feel like I’m not yet ready for another blow of pain. I will be entering the same situation; will be with the same person. We need to change and grow, and growth takes time. I know I’m not yet that strong to resist his pleadings to come back and start anew. I know I’m not that strong to look him directly in the eye and tell him the love I once felt is gone. That is why I don’t want our paths to cross, or even our eyes to meet. I’d better suffer on my own, in silence. Yes, I’m not that strong as of now, but I believe there is always the light at the end of the tunnel no matter how long the tunnel may be. In the end, I know I’ll get over this pain, stronger and wiser. Yes, I may fall, stumble and cry from time to time, but I will rise up, walk and move. (Even with swollen eyes and slightly bulging eyebags..) No matter what, I will get through this…

August 14, 2007

2007-08-14T02:37:00.000-07:00

I used to believe that we can allow anyone to be part of our life. Yes, each of us have the oppurtunity to be part of other's life and make a difference. No matter what, we will always leave our footprints behind. Yet, we must be careful to whom we open up ourselves especially our hearts, to who should enter our lives because we may not know, that person may leave scars and wounds..that even time can't heal..

Money Matters

2007-08-13T21:41:00.000-07:00

As the budget planner for my family, one thing I learned is the need to be financially wise. Our family has been blessed and we really have to learn how to properly handle those blessings especially on the financial aspect. As of now, I am working my way acquiring knowledge financially and hopefully, one day I can say that I properly made used of and applied those knowledge and eventually work my way to be financially wise. I actually do not believe that money is the root of all evil. Basically and by nature, money is good. Admit it or not, we need money to survive. However, it is the greed for money that serves as the root of evil. Personally, I want to have more so I can also share more. That's actually my goal why I wanna grow financially; to have more so I can share more.

I found this article in the business section of inq7.net. The information is basic but at least it gave me a lead for my quest.

1. Time deposit. You can lock your money in a time deposit for 30, 60, 120 or more days. You may earn interest from two to five percent. Check with your bank.

2. Unit investment trust fund (UITF). This is a fund managed by the trust department of a bank. Money is pooled from several small investors, and the fund manager invests this fund in equities, bonds, or money market instruments. You may potentially earn more than what you could earn in a time deposit, but there is also a risk attached due to the nature of the investments the fund engages in. Depending on the fund manager, initial investments from investors can go as low as P10,000.

3. Mutual fund. This fund is managed by an investment management company. You may potentially earn more than in a time deposit, but be aware of risks involved. Minimum investment can be as low as P5,000.

4. Stocks or equities. If you are more adventurous and like challenges, you may want to directly invest in the stock market. Some stockbrokers accept small retail clients and investments can be made by buying the minimum board lot (number of stocks considered as minimum investment) of a specific company stock. You may earn more than what you could in a mutual fund or UITF, but the risks are higher. Stock prices fluctuate every day.

5. Bonds. These IOUs from companies have a lower risk than stocks, but higher risk than bank deposits. The key is to pick good bonds that are rated high by rating agencies. Interest is fixed over a number of years.

All the above options can make your emergency fund grow. Just be aware of risks involved in higher-yielding instruments. But if you keep your emergency fund untouched for a long time in riskier investments, you will ride out fluctuations and may be able to earn higher returns.

We wish you the best as you prepare financially for your future.

August 11, 2007

2007-08-10T22:12:00.001-07:00

My gracious..what's happening to me??!! I can't seem to concentrate on what I should do! Its true, so many things to do so little done! Aaaarggh! It is said that life is like juggling balls while you are walking. You must keep it in balance or else, one of the balls, or even all of the balls will eventually fall. Its really difficult to juggle my responsibilities especially when it comes to my family. Aside from being the ate de pamilya, there is also the responsibility as the budget planner, menu planner, bread winner, cook, sister, confidante, teacher..and a lot more! But of course, there is always the delight of being there for my family though at times..whew..its really hard. Yet, it's up to me how I'll handle and balance those. All it takes is practice, practice and practice! Who knows, this might be a preparation for me for a bigger and more complicated tasks..like..ummm..handling a bigger family? Hehe..not yet..and not now.

Anyway..back to work..later..

It's a new day!

2007-08-10T18:12:00.000-07:00

Another day. Another chance to take a step towards my vision and goals. Well yes I have my mission, vision and goals, sothing that I can have my focus on, but as of now it haven't taken its form in words because it's still in my mind. I'll be jotting it down, soon.

Reclaiming My Old Blog Acccount..

2007-08-10T02:00:00.000-07:00

Yipee! At last I now have my own blog after a lllllooooooonnnngggg time of planning and thinking over how to do it, when to do it or how long it will take to do it! I actually have this previous account but I wasn't able to update or use it because I felt like it will just eat up my time. Good thing I was able to reclaim this old blog of mine and well..its not as hard and slow as I thought it would be. But anyway, I have it now and it's actually included in my "To Do' list so this is actually an accomplishment for me! hehe..

I have and I always keep a journal of my own eversince I discovered that I also have the capacity to write( I dreamed of writing a book when I was young but I always got low grades in my theme writing compositions so I decided to be a theater or TV performer instead, an announcer, a reporter, a doctor, a teacher, a restaurant owner and don't be shocked, a nun..hehe). It all started from that embarassing moment in High School and I have no one to talk to. There was this ice breaker game I joined in but unfortunately or perhaps fortunately, I became a laughingstock of the whole class. (It's not that easy to make people laugh that hard anyway.) I even felt my blood pumped up in my face as if my head would just be blown off. Oh boy..how I wished I''d just dissapear or the floor Im standing in would just open up and eat me. Oh well, I've talked with my friends, whom I expected to give me comfort, but they in turn laughed at me, right in front of my face! So instead, I got a piece of unused notebook and started writing down what I really felt. Right after, there was a surge of relief. And as I read what I wrote, I also started to laugh..well yes I admit..it will really make your tummy ache. What was that embarassing moment? I'll share it someday..hehe..I actually have a collection of several embarassing moments and that included falling in a man hole.hehe..

Oh well..so after that moment of release, I make use of writing to pour out my thoughts and feelings. It started with mere writing of what happened, of what I felt until it became deeper and deeper. My journal became my constant buddy,my bestfriend. I can write whatever I am, whatever I like, whatever I feel ,or whatever crossed my mind without the fear of being judged criticized or ostracized. There is a distinct surge of freedom as I jot down what's in my mind, in my heart and in my soul. I haven't opened up to anyone, barenaked ( and that includes physical nakedness..hehe), the way I did in my journals. Recently however, I can't seem to write down in my journal as constantly as I did before. There are random thoughts that I wanna jot down but busy ( o busy busyhan..hehe..) as I am,those thoughts just slip out of my consciousness.

And the moment I wanna express it in written words, oh I can't seem to find it. . But the moment I grasp it and express it in written words, most of the time I become amazed of what I was able to wrote down. At times Im not even aware that those thoughts are in my mind. Perhaps that's what they say: the product is greater than its maker. I guess anyone or someone have been through the same experience. That sort of thing when you just write down what's in your mind and the moment you read it, "woah, I never thought I have these ideas in mind or that I'm capable expressing these ideas in words!' Anyway, this blog is another medium for me to grasp, take hold of these thoughts, and feelings as well, and let it take its form in words. It is said that the feelings we have, which we may not give much attention or we may even try to deny or ignore , are actually signals of our hearts or of a deeper need that must be satisfied. It's like, you're happy, everything's going fine but out of nowhere, you felt a surge of sadness, as if you just wanna stay in one corner and cry! That could be a sign of an emptiness deep inside you that must be filled up with something or someone eventhough you may think you have all the things that you need.

As for me, those emotions or thoughts must be given a chance to express itself, even in simple words, or else it might find its way out in other forms. Most of the time, pent up emotions manifest itself in the form of illnesses, violent reactions, uncontrolled behavior, addiction and various psychological problems. And these emotions and thoughts are for me, and for you, the so called Inner Whispers: the voices that we usually hear in solitude, but they grow faint and inaudible as we enter into the world, the modern world that can give us a barrage of messages, that can drown it out and we'll hear nothing..nothing of it.

2006-01-05T23:54:00.000-08:00

Oh well..just tried ths stuff. Don't really know how this stuff works but am on my way to discovery.